What to say and what not to say

With mental health being such a widely spoken about topic right now I realised that one subject I hadn’t covered whilst blogging was the things not to say to someone who admits to you that they’re struggling.

I have experienced judgement since openly admitting to people that I have Postnatal Depression. Most of that judgement hasn’t come from a bad place or bad people but instead from ignorance and a lack of understanding. People are very set in their ways and they believe what they believe but by raising awareness of mental health, hopefully we can encourage people to reach out when they’re finding things tough and know that people will be there to support them when they do.

Postnatal Depression is a mental illness just like any other. There is so much stigma associated with this type of mental illness in particular. I think that’s partly to do with the fact that it’s perhaps one of the lesser known ones but I think more than anything it has a lot to do with the fact that you’ve just had a baby and you should be happy. People cannot understand how you can possibly be sad.

I decided to write this post to help anyone faced with mental illness, whether that be yourself or someone close to you. I know for sure that all of the comments made to me were not made with malice. They were made by people who thought they were helping. People who thought they were being supportive. Unfortunately, a lack of understanding meant that they came across wrong.

Not only will I cover things not to say to someone with a mental illness, I thought it would be important to also mention things that could be said. Things that I wished people had said to me when I was in my darkest place.

What not to say?

· “All new Mums find it tough”

· “You’re probably just tired”

· “The baby is safe and healthy that’s the main thing”

· “It’s all worth it though”

· “I had the baby blues with my baby. I know how you feel”

· “You just need to get over it”

· “You gave birth a week ago.. you haven’t been out much”

· “You need to leave the baby with someone early on. You’ll create a rod for your own back

otherwise”

· “This time is precious. It goes by so fast. You should be enjoying every minute”

· “You have a beautiful baby. You should be grateful”

· You really should consider going back to work. It’ll be good for you to have something that is just for you”

· “I told you it wasn’t going to be easy”

· “You seem fine”

· “We’re all struggling right now. You’re not the only one”

· “Why didn’t you tell me you were having a hard time?”

· “When do you think you’ll get better?”

· “You must be so happy”

· “I haven’t heard from you”

What to say?

· “How are you?”

· “You’re an amazing Mummy and you’re doing a really good job”

· “You’ve got this”

· “You’re not alone”

· “You may have lost your sparkle but you will get it back”

· “I understand why you’ve cancelled our plans and it’s okay”

· “I’m here when you’re ready to talk”

· “What can I do?”

· “I can’t cook so here’s a bag of M&S Ready Meals so you don’t need to worry about cooking”

· “Take it all one step at a time”

· “Tell me more about how you’re feeling. I don’t really understand PND and I want to know more so I can help”

· “I don’t really know what to say so just checking in. How are you?”

· “I know baby classes make you anxious. How about we go together so you’re not on your own”

· “You will get better. It won’t happen overnight and the journey will be up and down but you will get there”

· “Your symptoms are the illness. They are not you”

· “How’s your counselling going?”

· “You’ve been quiet lately. Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you”

Some of the comments above were ones personal to me; comments I received both the good and the unhelpful and others are more generalised to reflect those made to people struggling with not just Postnatal Depression but any kind of mental illness.

People reading my blogs may recognise comments they themselves have made. This post is not designed to make you feel bad but instead to educate you so that you can fully support someone struggling with mental illness in whatever form. Often when we don’t understand something, what we consider to be helpful can sometimes be the complete opposite.

Everyone’s journey with Postnatal Depression is different. I have been lucky to be surrounded by some amazing people who have been behind me every step of the way.For the most part, I consider myself to have had it relatively easy in terms of judgement. Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely felt stigmatised and felt the need to justify my feelings or my actions but the unhelpful comments were thankfully in the minority.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could finally get to a point when someone feels comfortable enough to speak up about their struggles and know that they will be met with nothing but support and compassion.