The life and loneliness of a Stay at Home Mum

I wrote a post similar to this where I talked about the highs and lows of being a stay at home parent but it is something I wanted to touch upon again now I’ve been in my role for 18 months.

I can only write about my own experiences having not gone back to work after having Little A. I cannot begin to understand the struggles of having to juggle both a job and being a parent. I’m unbelievably grateful that for now we can survive on just the one income and I’m able to be at home with Little A but just because I’m grateful, doesn’t mean I can’t find it tough.

When anyone asks “what do you do?” My first reaction is always “I don’t work I’m just a Mum” and every time I say it I know it’s ridiculous. I’m definitely not ‘just’ a Mum but it’s as if because I’m not physically leaving the house or contributing to the household financially, then my role in the home is irrelevant.

I think there are many reasons why I struggle so much with not being in employment. All of the Mums I know who had babies around the same time as me all went back to work in some capacity whether that be full or part time. I’m the only stay at home Mum I know and so it can be hard relating to people when I don’t always feel like I have much to talk about other than Little A. Those friends have their work and time when they can just be themselves. They get to put their brains to good use and are contributing to the running of their home financially. I never get a break from Little A. We are with each other all day every day and it’s relentless.

I’ve also found a lot of judgement here and I’m not too sure where it comes from. I think there’s an element of envy from certain people who perhaps think I have an easy life and so by making me feel bad they feel better about themselves and their own situation. I think there are also people who maybe don’t consider being a stay at home parent a worthy job and think I should want more from life. I’m sure that these views haven’t been born from malice and just like mental illness, people often don’t realise that what they’re saying is actually pretty hurtful.

Mr N always knows just what to say when I’m having a wobble and feeling like I bring nothing to the table. He reminds me that because I gave up my job we save ourselves a fortune in Nursery fees. He reminds me that I’m so lucky to be able to have this time with Little A especially after what I’ve been through.

One of the things I’ve found the most difficult about being a stay at home parent is loneliness. Now no one likes to admit that they feel lonely every now and then but I’m sure that everyone can admit to feeling that way at some point in their life. I don’t feel lonely every hour of every day but some days it feels completely overwhelming. When whole days have passed without me speaking to another adult and I literally chew Mr N’s ear off as soon as he walks in the door. When having a one word conversation with a toddler isn’t enough to satisfy the needs of the really social person I was before becoming a Mum. When I just feel completely and utterly alone.

I blame my anxiety for some of the things I did after having Little A. I pushed people away who were always happy to meet up because I was fearful of the virus or I just couldn’t face being around another parent when I felt as though I was doing everything wrong. I’m the most reliable person you could ever meet (pre mental illness anyway) but to certain people I probably appeared to be flaky and disinterested and eventually they drifted away. I do hope those people read my blogs and will understand that I was poorly at the time and it was certainly nothing personal towards them.

I’ve definitely felt lonelier since we moved house in September last year. My Mum still comes to visit every Thursday which is the highlight of my week and we now do a music class on a Tuesday morning but I haven’t really sorted out a regular routine for the other days. As all of my Mum friends work it can be difficult trying to fit in seeing them and so my days often feel long and boring.

I think a lot of people assume that stay at home Mums sit on their bums watching TV all day and whilst there is an element of that, I wish it was only as easy. Yes the TV might be on for a lot of the day but it’s rarely what I would choose to watch. Peppa Pig and Baby Shark dominate a lot of the screen and that’s between trying to find things to entertain Little A so he doesn’t get bored. I find it a huge achievement if I can manage to get showered and even then it’s literally in and out as I dread to think what Little A might be getting up to when I’m out of sight. I eat all of my meals at the table with Little A and I miss the days when I got to savour each mouthful without grubby little hands grabbing at everything. I haven’t gone to the loo on my own in a very long time. Little A is always there; he’ll bring me books to read to him, toys to play with and if I’m very lucky he’ll drag his piano into the bathroom and make a load of noise.

Sometimes the first time I get a chance to sit down and take a breath is at 7pm once Little A has gone to bed. I thought trying to reply to messages was difficult when I had a baby but it is so much harder now. Little A doesn’t nap anymore and hasn’t done since before he turned 2 so I no longer get a break halfway through the day to recharge. Little A is a very energetic toddler and is full on from the moment he gets up till the moment he passes out in bed and so for me by the time it gets to the evening I’m exhausted. I wanted to make sure that this year I would try and be more present in my friends and families lives and so I’ve really tried to make more effort to not be so terrible at replying but I’m still not perfect.

I didn’t want this post to be completely negative but I think it’s such an important area that needs highlighting. It’s an area of motherhood that no one really talks about (well not the low parts anyway) and I hope that by writing about it, people will be a little bit more understanding. If you know a stay at home Mum (or even a stay at home Dad), instead of questioning them on why they’re not working or when they intend to get a job, perhaps remind them of what a great job they’re doing and how important their role is.