Happy Birthday Little A

5 September 2021.

The day we celebrate Little A turning two. Two years of us being parents. Two years of the most almighty ups and downs.

Little A’s Birthday fills me with so many different emotions. It is the day we celebrate our gorgeous little boy and everything he has become but it is also the day that symbolises the start of what has been the hardest 2 years of my life. It upsets me that with each Birthday, there is also an element of sadness. This is not something I will ever let him see but it definitely made me feel a bit emotional on the night of his Birthday once he was all tucked up in bed. Thinking back to the crazy day two years before when we were filled with so much excitement for the future and the new baby that was hours away from coming to meet us. How could I have ever known in those moments how different things were going to be. That I would feel nothing but numbness when he was first placed on chest. That I would be desperately searching for the instant rush of love that wouldn’t come until a lot later. That the trauma from the birth would be integral in my later diagnosis of Postnatal Depression.

Reaching the age of 2 has actually felt like a real milestone though even with all of the emotions rushing through me. The last 18 months with Covid has been tough and I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve had to stop and start my recovery but it finally feels like now is the time to start recovering for good.

I remember in the early days after having Little A, when I was putting on an act worthy of an Oscar in trying to convince people that not only was I nailing being a Mum but that I was happy. In reality, I was anything but. I remember feeling completely detached from Little A. He was a stranger to me and it was as if I was being forced to be friends with someone at school who I had nothing in common with. I desperately wanted what my friends had; that deep, intense love for their new-born. The kind of love that was clear for everyone to see. I so wish back then someone had told me that the love isn’t always instant. That it can often take days sometimes weeks to feel it but that it’s okay. I also wished I’d have said something to someone earlier instead of being completely consumed by guilt and shame.

If only I could go back in time and speak to that brand new Mum as the Mum I am now. I’d tell her that just because you felt a certain way in those early days, it will have no baring on how you’ll feel in the future. I’d tell her that by the time her little boy turns 2, she’ll be so consumed by love that she’ll struggle to remember a time when she didn’t feel like that.

I love Little A so much and I’m so proud and happy to be able to say that. I’m finally saying it because I truly feel it not because it’s what I’m expected to feel.

Lockdown has meant that Little A can be wary and cautious around new people and people he doesn’t see regularly. One of the downsides to him not going to Nursery. During the periods of complete isolation, he saw no one other than me and Mr N. I know some people take it personally and it makes me sad because if they thought about it, they’d understand. The poor thing has spent more of his 2 years in some kind of lockdown and has missed out on so much. Despite this though, he is the most kindest and loving little boy. He will often reach out to me, put his hands around my face and give me a slobbery kiss and I couldn’t think of anything better.

It has made me so proud watching him develop and grow. One of the things I'm grateful for in being a stay at home Mum. The days may be long but I’m so lucky to be with him every day.

He may look more like his Dad but his personality is all me. Independent and determined but really silly and so giggly. Even on my hardest days, I know I’ve done alright.

Little A. I’m so proud to be your Mummy and I’m so excited to see everything that the next year brings. You are my greatest achievement and always will be.