Mummy Magic

My Mum used this phrase recently and it inspired me to write this post.

Since lockdown has begun to ease I’ve been spending lots more time with my Mum again which has been amazing. She’s started travelling down to see us and it’s wonderful for me and Little A to be looked after. She entertains Little A so I can rest and enjoy a few hot cups of coffee (such a treat for me). She told me when Little A was small that Mums have a certain power to be able to heal just about anything. She calls it Mummy Magic and I love that term so much.

When I first gave birth, I felt numb and completely detached. Instead of the ‘rush of love’ that everyone promises you, I felt nothing. I began putting on an act very early. No one could ever have suspected how low I was feeling. I had hoped it was all do with the traumatic labour and the painful recovery and that once some time had passed, I’d finally see Little A for the precious little person that he was. Days and weeks passed and I was slowly getting worse; drowning and falling deeper into the darkness. It’s not something you just blurt out over coffee with other new Mums so I had no choice but to keep it to myself.

Since battling PND and talking to other parents in the same situation, I now know that the bond or connection with your baby isn’t always instant despite what people tell you. When I think about things logically, of course the bond doesn’t always happen straight away. It’s the same as any kind of relationship whether that be friends or partners. I may have carried Little A for 9 months but we had only just met and we didn’t know each other. I so wished I’d have known all of this when I was pregnant. I wouldn’t have had any expectations of how I might feel after giving birth and I wouldn’t have beaten myself up for not feeling anything.

My bond with Little A took a long time. I spent months just going through the motions and doing everything that was expected of me as a new Mum. Little A was always fed and in a clean nappy but I still felt nothing. I used to look at my Mum friends with their babies and they all looked so in love. I remember being unbelievably jealous because I just didn’t have that. All I could hear in the back of my head was ‘failure’ and it was only made worse when I was around other new parents. In the depths of PND, it was so much easier for me to avoid anyone with a baby because they were fine and getting on with things and I was struggling.

Bonding and connection was a subject discussed recently during the weekly #PNDHour that I participate in on Twitter. Such a supportive group of people who struggled with bonding after having their babies just like me. I wasn’t actually a monster and devoid of feeling. I wasn’t the only one who’d felt this way.

I love Little A with every ounce of my being. When I was down the dark hole of PND I never thought I’d feel that way. It just seemed impossible. I now understand when people say that there will forever be a connection between Mother and Child. You’ve carried them within your body and even though I couldn’t see it then, the connection was always there. It took therapy and a lot of support for my eyes to open properly to what was in front of me. I now see the way he looks at me and how his eyes always search for me in a room full of people. It’s the most amazing feeling in the World.

Little A wasn’t himself last week and it was hard to know what to do with him. Aside from dosing him up on Calpol, he didn’t know what he wanted to do so it became very hard to keep him entertained. The day my Mum spent with us, Little A was particularly upset and he cried lots which is so unusual for him. Usually he follows my Mum around everywhere but he only wanted me. He wanted Mummy cuddles and to just be held by me. That felt pretty lifechanging. My Mum told me that’s ‘Mummy Magic’. Not only was it there for everyone to see but I could see it too. In that moment, all of the jobs I had to get done were forgotten and I soaked up every second of snuggles.

I sometimes wonder if I love Little A enough. If I love him like my friends love their babies. I guess it’s like any love; it’s so different for each and every person. I think it’s often made harder because I’m with Little A all day every day. There’s never any let up and when I’ve had a bad day I worry that perhaps I’ve shouted too much and not shown him enough love. Then again, I’m always far too hard on myself. Perhaps I should show myself a little bit more compassion and forgive myself for the bad days.

Little A, our bond took a long time but I hope you know how much I love you and I hope you can forgive me for all of the bad stuff. Even on my darkest days, you will forever be my greatest achievement.