Little A starts Pre School

Hello lovely readers,

Apologies once again for the very long absence. I used to think when Little A was small that I never had any time to do anything but how wrong was I?? At least Little A used to nap for a good few hours and I’d get a chance to do stuff then. Now he’s full on from the moment he wakes at 7am till he goes to bed at 7pm so things like texting and keeping in touch with people feels harder than ever.

Little A starts Pre School next month. Initially 3 mornings a week to ease him in. Actually I lie when I say that. Little A isn’t the one who needs easing in; it’s me who needs that.

Little A has started his settling in sessions with Nursery and they gradually build up over the next 3 weeks before he starts officially just after he turns 3 at the beginning of September. I know that Nursery will be the making of Little A and I know he will get so much from it. Just watching him during his first settle; interacting with the other children, enjoying the sheer amount of toys and seeing him being so confident makes me so proud. When Little A was small and all his friends went to Nursery, I used to worry that I was somehow being selfish by being home with him. Selfish for not sending him to Nursery when he should be around other children rather than being stuck at home with me. For the most part when I was really poorly.

Since Christmas Little A’s confidence has come on leaps and bounds. In soft play he will play independently in the toddler area whilst I sit nearby. There’s a coffee shop nearby which has a play area and he will entertain himself whilst I get to drink a much needed cup of hot coffee. He is such a kind and gentle little boy and it literally makes my heart want to burst watching him with other people. After spending a lot of his life locked away thanks to covid, he is now so much more confident with others after he’s got over his initial shyness.

Last week Little A’s first settling in session was only for one hour but this week it was for two. I decided I’d make the most of having a few hours to myself by going to the post office and then sitting in Costa with a few cups of coffee. It was lovely not having to think about Little A or looking out for dropped kerbs with the pram but I found myself feeling a bit lost.

Motherhood really is the strangest thing. I haven’t had a break away from Little A for months and I longed for some time to myself but when he’s not there I miss him. We have literally been together for almost 3 years every day. He’s become like my little mate and he chatters to me all day long. I wonder if I’ve become particularly protective of Little A because of everything that’s happened to me. I felt absolutely nothing for so long and I carry the guilt of that with me everyday and I wonder if it’s made me feel more protective over him. It’s taken so long to get here but I now realise how precious he is and I will do anything to keep him from harm. This includes entrusting him with other people; even people I do genuinely trust.

I think some of the way I feel also comes from the fact that I chose to stay home with Little A instead of returning to work. I consider myself very fortunate that Mr N has been financially able to support us despite it being a struggle. I know many of my friends had no choice but to return to work. I gave up absolutely everything to stay at home and raise Little A even with my mental health in bits. I gave up an income and my own money after 15 years of constant employment. I gave up something that was just mine and time when I could be myself instead of just Mummy. I gave up regular human interaction which for me is so important as being a SAHM is lonely. I have neglected Mr N and our needs as a couple to pour everything I have into Little A because quite frankly what other purpose do I have? I have learnt recently though that time spent with Mr N is important and we still need to prioritise that alongside Little A. The huge impact having a baby has on your relationship was something I was just not prepared for and that’s why I think previously I always felt like I was falling short. Feeling like I wasn’t fully able to focus on Little A or Mr N so in the end I was letting them both down.

Thankfully, with time comes some degree of healing and I’ve learnt to forgive myself for things that were brought on by my very poorly brain.

I hope that Little A starting Pre School is the start of a new chapter for us all. Little A can start learning some independence and I know that being amongst children his own age will help him develop. I can get back some time that’s just for me which in turn I hope will help me be a better Mummy and also, I hope that it’s going to mean I feel able to loosen the hold I have on Little A to enable him to spend more time with the people that love him and in turn, allowing me and Mr N to reconnect as a couple.

They tell you when you have a new born that time will pass quickly but you cannot possibly comprehend that until you are weeks off of that same new born turning 3 and getting ready to start Pre School.