The slow return to normality

The easing of lockdown. We’ve been here before. I wrote a blog last year about my feelings towards the country slowly returning to normal. I was anxious and nervous about the ‘new normal’ and what it would mean for us. I could never have imagined back then that it wouldn’t be the last time we’d be in this situation.

The last year of Covid has been very up and down for me as I’m sure it has for most people. There have been lots of highs but my god there have been some real lows. Some of the darkest days I’ve ever experienced. Dealing with the isolation of lockdown and being away from family and friends has been tough for everyone but combine that with the struggles of Postnatal Depression and being without my support network has been unbelievably difficult.

I worked really hard after the easing of the first lockdown last year to start looking for me again. I tracked her down and she was really starting to sparkle again. I finally felt like I could say with confidence that I was on the road to recovery. There were more good days than bad and I was sure I was going to beat this. The country was then forced back into lockdown just before Christmas and I flew backwards into a very dark pit of despair once again. I’ve said before but the weather plays a huge part in how I feel as I’m sure it does for many people. As hard as the very first lockdown was last year, at least the sun was shining and it was warm outside. Lockdown in the depths of Winter has made things even more challenging. When I’ve felt up to meeting people, we’ve been restricted to walks outside in the cold, wind and rain and that doesn’t help when you’re already feeling pretty flat.

The shops have recently re-opened and we managed to sort out Little A’s Summer wardrobe. Aside from the masks, it all felt very normal. I totally underestimated how important having the shops open is to our mental health. Being able to go anywhere that doesn’t involve a Supermarket felt so good.

After the first lockdown began to ease, I felt under lots of pressure from people who were ready to jump back into normal life when I just wasn’t. My anxiety levels were high and I probably forced myself to do things I didn’t want to do for fear of upsetting people which only made things worse. I told myself that this time round things will be very different. I’ll take things at my own pace and only do things when I feel ready to do them. I’ve barely seen any of my friends during this most recent lockdown. At the beginning of the year, I felt really fearful of the virus and that caused a spike in anxiety to the point where the idea of meeting people made me feel physically sick with dread. I had to cancel plans I already had with people which I really hate to do and I began avoiding others in case they mentioned meeting up. I’ve seen a couple of friends over the last few weeks for socially distanced walks and catch ups on park benches which has been amazing.

I’m so happy that we are slowly returning to normal. I’m so happy that we can finally start seeing our loved ones again but I’m anxious. The anxiety is all consuming.

It’s one thing I wish people understood a bit better; the anxiety was there before Covid and it will be there long after it’s gone. Just because things are going back to normal doesn’t mean I’m ready for that. There are going to be lots of people who are fearful of normality and I hope that their boundaries can be respected whether you agree with them or not.

I hope more than anything that this is the last time we’ll ever have to do this. The last time we’ll ever be living under heavy restrictions and kept away from our loved ones. Having lost myself following the arrival of Little A, I searched desperately for the amazing woman I once was and last Summer I found her. I was so proud of myself. I hate that I have to resume the search all over again. I need to find the old me. I love being Little A’s Mummy but I’m a person too and she matters.

I’m still having counselling each week and I’m learning ways to manage the anxiety I suffer with every day. I feel like I’m having to restart my recovery journey all over again but this time I’m determined to fight. The road to recovery starts here and I’m ready.