Covid.. you can run but you can't hide

Hello lovely people.

Apologies that it’s been so quiet on the blog front. After my last blog celebrating my one year anniversary of writing, I felt like I’d run out of things to talk about without going back over things I’d already covered. Eventually, I finally felt like I had some new ideas but finding the time and the motivation to write has been lacking recently.

I finished my second lot of counselling at the end of May which left me feeling vulnerable and it took me a few weeks before I felt like I’d found my feet again. I knew the time had come for the sessions to end and I needed to use the tools I’d learnt in therapy to restart my recovery again but the thought of that was terrifying. I think if I’m being completely honest I was using the therapy as a bit of a crutch. It took place once a week and was a whole hour when I could just be open about how I’d been feeling since the last session. It strangely felt like I was suddenly on my own again even though that couldn’t have been further from the truth. What followed this were some very bumpy days. I was very up and down and never knew what mood I would wake up in. Initially, I felt as though the counselling was my anchor and without it I was completely all over the place. This was also timed with the biggest release of lockdown and I was on edge. Thankfully between Mr N, my Mum and family and my friends I was able to grab hold of the anchor and steady myself again.

We’re in the process of moving which for someone who doesn’t like change is massive. There has been lots of anxiety over the past few months but it has also given me a purpose. For those of you who know me well you’ll know I love a project; I need a project. I planned our wedding, I prepared the house for Little A’s arrival and then planned a Naming Ceremony when Little A was 5 months old. It’s as if my mind needs to be focused on something otherwise it goes rogue and I cannot control it. This is one way of me taking charge of the anxiety. My brain becomes so consumed with what I’m planning that it kind of forgets to be anxious.

In mentioning the anxiety, I cannot write this post without talking about how I feel now life is slowly returning to normal. Whilst on one hand it is wonderful to see our local high street so busy and full of people, I still find myself nervous about even the smallest of things. I had to get on a train for the first time in June. Me and my Sister are the biggest Friends fans and for her 30th in April I booked us tickets for Friends Fest in London. It was my first day without Little A in a really long time and my first time on a train in 16 months. On the morning I was a combination of excited and nervous but I needn’t have been. It was a great day. Me and my Sister talked non-stop, we drank Friends themed cocktails and I actually really enjoyed not having Little A glued to me. I know that sounds awful but for a stay at home Mum who has barely left her toddlers side in the last 18 months it was a big deal for me and I realised how much I needed the break.

In the next few months I want to start building up to leaving Little A with his grandparents so me and Mr N can start having some time alone. I know that Little A will have the best time with both sets of grandparents but I have to allow myself to relinquish some control and that’s tough. It’s definitely something to start building on though and I’m excited for some quality time with my Hubby.

Going back to life returning to normal, we had considered ourselves really lucky that we had managed to avoid Covid over the last 18 months. We have been really strict and have on the whole followed the rules which I definitely think has a lot to do with it. In early July, Mr N was told that from September he would be expected back in the office 3 days a week with the remaining 2 days spent at home. He decided that it would be a good idea to start building up to that; not just for him but for me too. I’ve got very used to having him in the house since March last year and even though we don’t see him in the day it’s a comfort knowing he’s just upstairs if I need him. Mr N has always been sensible; he wears a mask when he needs to and uses hand sanitiser and so we believed that he would be safe.

2 weeks ago, Mr N confessed that he wasn’t feeling too well. He said he was feeling a bit fluey and decided to use one of the lateral flow tests we’d ordered to check whether it might be Covid. We were both shocked when we saw two dark lines indicating a positive test. Straight away Mr N managed to book himself an appointment at a local testing centre and the next day it was confirmed that he had Covid. Me and Little A were feeling fine at that point but I thought it would be sensible to take a test too. Three days after Mr N tested positive and with my symptoms slowly developing, I tested positive too as did our precious Little A. That weekend was one of the toughest we’ve ever experienced as parents. Mr N has the best immune system and no cold or flu has even knocked him down for more than 48 hours. Covid was a whole other story. All 3 of us had a nasty cough, lost our taste and smell and just felt really unwell. We were having to do parenting in shifts; when one of us needed to sleep or just have a break we’d swap over. It was the one time when we really could have done with someone swooping in and taking Little A for a few hours and it was the only time that we couldn’t do that. Little A had a raging temperature and was so bunged up it was horrible him being so ill and being completely helpless to do anything for him other than dose him up on Calpol and give lots of cuddles. Considering my battle with PND and the delayed bonding with Little A, I never understood when people said they felt the pain that their child was feeling. When Little A was ill with Covid and he was screaming in pain unable to be consoled, I felt like my heart was breaking it was horrible and was such a new emotion. I finally got it. Their pain is your pain and I felt useless.

I always assumed that it would be the symptoms that could break someone but actually I think the isolation was worse. I felt horrendous for 3-4 days with Covid but I definitely had it milder than Mr N. For someone who gets over even the nastiest of viruses in just a few days, Covid knocked Mr N off his feet for 2 weeks. It was horrible watching him battle this nasty virus and I was also pretty worried that it could develop into something more serious.

I thought the first lockdown last year was the hardest as we were only allowed out once a day for exercise but that was nothing. Being forced to stay at home for 10 plus days when going out is one of the ways you manage your mental health was unbelievably hard. Being stuck indoors with a poorly toddler who was thoroughly bored and frustrated and who doesn’t understand why I’m not taking him out lead to an almighty amount of tantrums. These are hard to deal with on a normal day but being in isolation made little things like that so much more intense. I cried a lot. I shouted a lot. My strength was pushed to its absolute max. I believed that after battling PND and lockdown everything else would be small in comparison but battling Covid is something else entirely. I can totally see why people choose not to isolate if they feel fine and aren’t experiencing symptoms. I’m not justifying it or saying it’s okay but I can see how the isolation can be too much for some people.

All in all, we’ve isolated for 2 weeks. Looking back I cannot believe we were stuck indoors for that long but when we were in it, days felt like years. We felt safe in the knowledge though that our families and friends were protected and thankfully we hadn’t seen anyone to potentially spread it.

As with anything, bad times always reveal the people you can rely on. We are so lucky to be surrounded by some wonderful people. Those who have checked in on us throughout our isolation period. Those who have sent flowers and dropped off wine, those who picked up groceries for us and ordered online deliveries full of treats to cheer us up, those who offered to stop by with anything we needed before they went on holiday or before night shifts. We are so so grateful for all of you.

Two weeks after our journey with Covid began, Mr N and Little A are feeling much better. I was doing ok and then out of nowhere have managed to come down with laryngitis leaving me with another nasty cough, sore throat and no voice. None of us have Covid any longer thankfully and are all testing negative and today I am officially allowed back into civilisation. Once I am over this last bout of illness, we’ll all be fighting fit again hopefully.

August is my Birthday month which always makes me happy. Our house move is pretty imminent and I cannot wait to start afresh somewhere new. Little A turns 2 next month and I want him to have the best day ever.

PND, Covid, Isolation. You were all determined to break me and I’ll admit there have been times when I’ve almost given in but you will not defeat me. Each time I come back stronger and I will recover this time.