It's been a while...

Hello lovely readers.

This is my first blog since Little A turned 2 in September. I cannot believe it’s been that long. We’ve had a lot going on and I blame the fact that not only have we been insanely busy, I just haven’t felt up to writing. For me, thinking of things to write takes a while and I used to use my daily walks with Little A to think of the content for the following weeks blog but I just haven’t known where to begin.

I decided that as it’s been so long since I last published anything, perhaps a bit of a recap on what we’ve all been up to is a good idea. I’ve got a few ideas for future blog posts but it didn’t seem right going straight into a particular topic having been absent for 4 months.

So going back to September we finally moved into our new house. Right at the very end of September to be exact. As anyone who has bought property and been involved in the conveyancing process will know, it was a long and stressful 6 months. We didn’t just move from one house to another, we moved to a completely different area. Not somewhere completely alien to us but it is very different to where we lived before. The house we’ve moved to is much bigger than our old one and we gained a lot. We now have another bedroom, a garage, a kitchen/dining space in one and the thing I was most excited about; a downstairs loo. Our garden is a bit smaller than our previous house but right behind here is a large playground so it was worth the compromise for everything else we got. We now also live on a gorgeous new build development with plenty of green spaces and lots of places to walk.

I have to admit, those first few weeks after moving in were tough. The perfectionist in me hates chaos and the anxious part of me hates change; two things that you cannot run from when you move house especially with a toddler. Thankfully our house is only 6 years old and so was in a pretty good condition. Mr N was amazing and quickly got onto decorating every room which helped us feel as though we’d put our own stamp on it. Little A now has a safari themed room with a jungle feature wall and huge cuddly safari animals to play with. We bought lots of new stuff to fill the kitchen cupboards and some gorgeous furniture too. It was such a treat after living with make do stuff in our previous house.

As always, I’ve found myself waffling. I mentioned above that after we moved I really struggled which surprised me as I was so prepared for how much better our lives would be in our new house. I wasn’t expecting the huge rise in anxiety that knocked me off my feet and left me feeling unable to cope again. In those early days, people would ask whether we were settled and whether the new house felt like home yet and I wanted to scream out ‘NO’ but instead like always I lied as it was just easier. When I thought of home I was taken back to our old house where we’d spent 5 wonderfully happy years. The place where we went from boyfriend and girlfriend to Mr and Mrs and the place that will always be Little A’s first home. I think it was made harder by lockdown (on top of everything else made harder by the dreaded Covid), as the area itself became my comfort blanket. Being a non-driver and spending so much time in lockdown with only our daily walk to look forward to, I became very comfortable with where I was and my surroundings. Moving to a whole new area really challenged me and I suddenly felt vulnerable.

Mr N also wasn’t allowed too much time off around our move as other people on his team already had leave which only made everything worse. I felt as though we’d moved to a house that was unfamiliar and didn’t feel like ours yet and I was just left to get on with it in an area I didn’t know. A few days after we moved when Mr N was working, I decided to take Little A out for a walk in his pram to explore our new surroundings. Thankfully with Google Maps I knew I’d probably be alright but I felt uneasy and was worried I’d still manage to get lost. I was right to be worried though as I did get lost. Not just a little bit lost either. I was completely stuck in the development nearby where all the houses look the same. I was so lost that even Google Maps couldn’t work out where I was. I remember just wanting to cry. I almost gave in and called Mr N but a part of me wanted to work it out on my own and after a few deep breaths, I finally found the route home where I felt like a complete failure. Poor Little A was stuck with a Mummy who was still very much in a state and I so hoped that the new house would be the start of a new ‘me’.

The next day, I decided that I wasn’t going to let one bad day and one bad turn dictate the rest of that week so I tried the same route again and this time I did it. I actually did a little jump with excitement in the middle of the street and I didn’t care. I was so proud of myself.

Those first few weekends in the house were full of unpacking, sorting and decorating but as the Sunday evenings came round I would be full of anxiety again. Anxiety for the week ahead and whilst this was nothing new (I used to get this in our old house), it felt so much worse here. I hadn’t taken Little A to a class for a very long time and didn’t know what was available in our new area and our weeks just felt like a struggle. If you’ve never suffered with anxiety, it’s probably really difficult for you to understand exactly what it feels like and actually how much it can take over your life. My stomach feels as though I’ve swallowed a tennis ball and I feel terribly sick. In those early days after moving especially, I actually became quite fearful at the thought of leaving the house. It’s a horrible thing to admit but as always I’ve been nothing but honest when writing this blog and I want that to continue.

As time passed and we did more to the house it eventually started feeling like home. We’ve decorated throughout, bought new furniture and put our pictures and photos on the walls. When people ask me now, I can honestly say that it does feel like home. I just still cannot believe we live somewhere so nice.

Before we knew it, Christmas was upon us and after the s**t show that was the previous year, we wanted to make up for it and planned lots of festive activities. We made our annual trip to Winter Wonderland, we took Little A to see Santa, we took a ride on the Bluebell Railway Santa train and we did a few light events. It was lovely and it felt so nice to be able to do things as a family especially now Little A is a bit older.

We went to a friend’s Wedding in December too which meant leaving Little A for the day (the first time I’d left him for that long in almost 2 years). I felt a lot of anxiety leading up to it even though I knew it was a good thing. It would be good for me to have some time with Mr N for the first time in ages and it would be good for Little A to spend some time with his grandparents. After Mr N’s parents picked him up, I had a little cry but we decided to treat ourselves to breakfast and once I realised I’d be able to eat in peace without having to share everything, I was soon happy again. We actually had a lovely day at the Wedding and it was so exciting driving to pick him up in the evening. They’d all had a lovely day too and Little A was thoroughly exhausted. It filled me with so much confidence to be able to do it again in future.

Mr N had the whole of the Christmas period off which is a first and meant that he could fully switch off from work and we got 10 whole days together as a family. We spent Christmas Day at my Sister and her boyfriends who were hosting for the first time and Boxing Day with Mr N’s family and it was so lovely to finally be able to celebrate with our loved ones especially after Christmas 2020 being cancelled.

Going into the New Year, me and Mr N decided to set ourselves some very realistic and achievable new years resolutions. Nothing that would see us failing before we’d even reached the end of January. Firstly, we’ve both gone on diets. For lots of people this may seem a very unachievable goal but for us it’s definitely not. I’m still carrying all of my baby weight plus a lot more thanks to PND and Covid and Mr N wants to lose a few pounds and get healthy. As I’ve said before, eating and drinking is where I find comfort but yet again I think I’ve been using both as a crutch. I’ve been eating all the wrong things for months and drinking almost every night. Both things that make me feel better in the moment but definitely not in the long run. Being good together means neither of us will be tempted to crumble and we can support each other through the tough days. We’ve bought a treadmill for the garage and I’ve been doing weights. It’s been hard but I feel so pumped to hopefully be a bit slimmer by the time it starts getting warmer.

Our second goal was more directed towards our circle and the people we surround ourselves with. We decided that this year we would only put our energies into the people who give us that back. No more wasting time on people who choose to ignore us, people who treat us as second best and people who just don’t make us feel good about ourselves. Life really is too short and even if it means reducing our circle, I know we’ll be a lot happier for it.

My mental health has definitely improved since the beginning of the year. I know a lot of that has to do with the fact that we’re eating healthier and I’m exercising more but it helps that I’m now feeling more settled in our new house and the new area that we live in. I would never use the phrase ‘I’m better’ as I don’t think it really applies to mental health in the same way it would do with a physical ailment. What I can say though is that I have a lot more good days than bad and I’m now better at accepting a bad day for what it is; just a bad day. Not a bad few days or a bad week. I try not to fight the bad days and just make peace with it. The anxiety is still a battle I face daily but I’ve also come to accept that too. I feel so much stronger in trying to overcome the fear by trying to do things that push me out of my comfort zone. I took Little A to a music toddler class last week and we’re going again tomorrow. I felt sick waking up realising that I was definitely not feeling as brave as I was when I booked it but I forced myself to go anyway and I was so glad I did. Something like that is probably the norm for lots of parents but for me and my anxiety it was a huge win and I was so proud of myself.

With Covid seemingly becoming less and less of an issue and the potential that perhaps we’ve finally overcome it, I feel hopeful that I can finally start building on my recovery and gaining back the confidence I’ve lost.