Happy Birthday Black Balloon

20th May 2020.

The date of my first published blog post.

I’d set up my website and had finally plucked up the courage to release my inner most thoughts and experiences to the World. Even though I started writing not long after I’d been diagnosed, it took a while before I felt brave enough to make them public. I was nervous for lots of different reasons; I was worried about being judged by people and who would think badly of me after reading what I’d been through. I was worried that those close to me would start treating me differently and see me as hard work and I was also worried that I’d lose friends because they saw this as attention seeking and dramatic.

Despite all of my concerns, this blog has been the best thing I ever did. It has become like therapy for me especially in the early days when I was writing about some very dark times. Being able to put all of my thoughts down on paper has really helped get some things straighter in my head. I’ve been overwhelmed by how much support I’ve received over the past year. Support has come from not only family and friends but also internet strangers who have been through the same struggles as me and have helped me feel not so alone.

I’ve had friends reach out who having read my blog have actually wondered whether they themselves had PND in the early days of motherhood but it wasn’t dealt with for whatever reason. Being able to use my experiences to help others understand their own is just amazing and is something that I’m really proud of.

I’ve raised awareness of Postnatal Depression and how this can affect people. How devastating it can be for not only the person suffering but also for those closest to them. I’ve helped loved ones who read my blogs understand what I’ve been going through and it has opened lots of eyes. This was really important to me. Being able to educate people who haven’t had much exposure to mental illness is crucial in breaking down the barriers that stop people from reaching out when they’re struggling.

One friend messaged me to say she felt so much closer to me by reading my blogs even if we hadn’t been in touch recently. I’ve been writing in the present and have been very open about bad days and bad weeks and I think it has helped me reach out to people without physically asking for support. Friends and family who read my blogs every week often contact me if I’ve written a particularly negative post just to send some love.

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep writing. My battle with Postnatal Depression is ongoing and still very up and down but I wonder how much more there is to cover without repeating myself. The recent release of lockdown has really helped my mental health and I’m hoping that as the weather gets better I will only continue to head towards recovery. Little A is 2 in September and I’d really love to feel more like myself by the time that comes around.

Thank you to each and every one of you who reads my blog and have shown nothing but love and support over the past year. If you’re struggling yourself, please know you’re not alone.

To my family and friends, I will be forever grateful for all of the encouragement, for always having my back, for being there in the good and the bad but more importantly, for all playing your part in helping me find my sparkle again.

Happy 1st Birthday Black Balloon. Let’s hope this time next year, I’ll have finally untied myself.