The Road to Recovery

Mr N was up on and off during our first night at home. Little A didn’t cry too much but he woke up for feeds taking small amounts little and often. Mr N wanted me to sleep and recover and I think I got about 5 hours that night.

I took over around 5am and let Mr N get some sleep… he was exhausted. I took Little A downstairs; I did my first proper nappy change, put him into a clean baby grow and gave him a bottle. I texted our joint family WhatsApp group and told everyone of my triumph.. I felt like I had nailed my first morning of being Mummy.

Our routine carried on like that for the next week; Mr N would look after Little A during the night and I would take over in the morning having got some sleep.

I was so thankful of that time Mr N gave me to rest as the recovery was so much harder than I could have ever imagined.

I had read all the books whilst I was pregnant but my main worry was a C-Section. I had believed that this would have been the worst outcome for me and I desperately hoped that I could avoid it. We did NCT classes and a lot of emphasis was put on C-Section births and the recovery. Instrumental deliveries were touched upon but very briefly and I have to admit that I didn’t read too much about this. There was very little said about the recovery from a vaginal birth; whether you had to have stitches for a tear or stitches following an episiotomy. I wasn’t prepared in the slightest for the amount of pain I would be in. I also wasn’t prepared for the bleeding post birth and how much there would be. I can think of nothing worse than having stitches and then having to wear an adult version of a nappy. The huge Maternity Pads you have to wear rub on the stitches and add to the pain and discomfort.

A few days after the labour and once the pain relief had worn off, I was in an unbelievable amount of pain. Going for a wee felt like someone was pouring acid all over my very sore bits and don’t get me started on the post birth poo… I was terrified to the point where I didn’t go for nearly 5 days. Even the simplest things like getting out of bed and walking up and down the stairs were difficult. I even struggled sitting on a chair instead I had to lay everywhere.

5 days after I gave birth, I stupidly decided to take a mirror and have a look at my bits. I was shocked at how bad it was… there was bruising and I realised that there were no stitches. They had opened up and I was left with a gaping wound. Thankfully, a Midwife was coming out to see me the next day. She looked at the area and confirmed that the stitches had come out. I assumed that they would take me in and re-stitch it but I was wrong. They leave it to heal on its own but was told that my recovery would take even longer as I had to be extra careful of infection. Some of my friends who had had babies were out and about only a few days post birth and I felt sad and upset that I could barely sit down let alone take Little A out. I felt like I was already letting him down.

I didn’t have a C-Section but some of my Mum friends did and they told me how hard their recovery was. My recovery was difficult for so many different reasons but I felt that I was dismissed by so many people because the wound I was battling was hidden. I wonder if I had had a C-Section whether or not I would have got more sympathy.. people are aware of the wound that you get from a C-Section but perhaps not so aware of what happens to your body as a result of an instrumental delivery and episiotomy. I felt a lot of judgement at the time for how I was behaving… I definitely had the baby blues and this was exacerbated by the fact that I felt I should have been doing more but my body wouldn’t let me.

Little A was over a week old when we took him out for his first walk. We didn’t go too far and I was in lots of pain after it but it felt nice to get some fresh air after being cooped up in the house.

It was nearing the end of Mr N’s Paternity Leave and I was starting to worry that he was going to go back to work without us even doing anything nice with Little A. We had all these plans for Mr N’s Paternity Leave; we wanted to go to the pub for a glass of wine and visit some National Trust properties but at this point I was doubtful we’d be able to do any of it.

It was the middle of Mr N’s last week of Paternity Leave and I attempted to sit on one of our Dining Room table chairs and whilst it was sore I could do it for the first time since giving birth. I decided that I was not going to let my recovery hold me back any longer. We walked to our local pub the next day and sat in the beer garden drinking wine in the sunshine. Little A was such a good boy and it was the best I’d felt in weeks. We followed this up the next day with a visit to Chartwell, one of our local National Trust sites and we had a really lovely day. I did suffer for these trips out and would find I was in a lot more pain after but it was worth it.

Every day that passed I felt the wound healing and my recovery moving on. Unfortunately, whilst the physical wounds were beginning to heal, the mental wounds from the birth and the subsequent recovery were opening up more and more every day.