The 'old' Me

This blog talks mostly about the ‘new’ me; the struggle with my new identity and my battle since becoming a Mummy. I said before that after having Little A I didn’t recognise the person I’d become. I was stuck in a really weird place somewhere between the old fun me and the sad and depressed new me.

I thought this would be a good time to introduce you all to the ‘old’ me.

The ‘old’ me spent most of her career in the Travel Industry. I worked at Gatwick Airport for 2 years checking in passengers and boarding flights. I was Cabin Crew for 7 years with Monarch and travelled to places I might never have got to see. I lived in Crawley, West Sussex in a house share for 7 years whilst I was flying living with many different people; some friends and some new faces. I spent my Tuesday nights in Bar Med drinking Jager bombs and suffering every Wednesday for it.

I met Mr N online and we’ve been together 8 years in November. He was lucky enough to come away with me on some of my trips whilst I was at Monarch and he was always so patient putting up with the different times of the day and night that I would need to be in work. Monarch were going through a rough patch and we decided that the time had come for us to look into getting our own house with a big grown up mortgage to go with it. I left Crawley and moved in with Mr N and his Brother. A year later we would move into our very own house. Upon leaving Monarch, I got a job as a Pensions Administrator based in Redhill, Surrey which was where Mr N also worked. I have been there 5 years this year.

I have lots of friends who are all very important to me. Some I have known for years; my eldest friends go back as far as 2006. Some I made when I joined the world of Pensions so a bit more recent and I even class some of my NCT Mummy’s as friends. I’m sociable I always have been and I put that down to being Crew and the lifestyle that came with it. I enjoy a glass of Pinot Grigio or 5 and I would never turn down a Gin and Tonic. I used to try and see my friends often before having Little A; as much as I could anyway. Both me and Mr N cherish our friendships and it has been something I have struggled with since having a baby. Your life changes and the freedom I had before is no longer there. I have to make strict plans if I want to meet a friend for a glass of wine in the evening; I have to check that Mr N can get home from work on time and it has to be a date booked way in advance. Perhaps it is partly the acceptance of having to put someone else first; I’m learning that as a Mummy you will never truly put yourself first again. Little A will always factor into any decision I make one way or another. It is something that I’m learning to accept but it was something that I wasn’t fully prepared for.

After I had Little A and once the PND had fully kicked in, I didn’t like who I was; I felt as if I didn’t know her. She had no time for anyone and she cried a lot. I was worried that I had become so wrapped up in myself that the friends I thought so much of would leave. Who wants to be around someone who is always crying, who takes days to reply to messages, who cancels plans because her anxiety is high.

I missed the old carefree me.. she was bright and bubbly and always so positive. I liked to think that even on my grumpiest days I would never let it be a dark cloud over anyone else.

It’s true what they say, tough times show real friends and my battle with PND has definitely proved that. I also think the recent lockdown has shown that too. I will never forget the people who reached out, who have checked in on me, who have sent gifts and flowers just to let me know they’re thinking of me.

I would give anything to have gone through Motherhood for the first time without the burden of depression and anxiety just like my friends did but I think it has made me a better Mum. I truly appreciate all of the little things like a smile or a cuddle. They mean so much more because I couldn’t enjoy them when Little A was small.

I spoke with my therapist a lot about these two ‘versions’ of myself. She told me that I had to accept that what I classed as the ‘old’ me was gone, of course she was. She had no responsibilities, she wasn’t a Mother but the ‘new’ me was pretty damn amazing too. I might not have thought it at the time but I hope that once the fog finally lifts I’ll like who I see.