The many faces of grief

The subject of grief has come up in conversations with different friends since I gave birth to Little A and admitted to everyone that I was suffering with Postnatal Depression. I always associated grief with losing a loved one; whether that be a grandparent, parent, friend, baby. I never realised that you could grieve a circumstance or a situation.

One of my oldest friends has a beautiful little girl who is autistic. She was born premature and spent two months in a special care baby unit. Me and Mr N went to visit her on the ward when she was just a few days old and I have never seen something so teeny or so precious. Me and my friend have a very open friendship and no subject is off limits. We are completely open with each other. She once told me that she grieved for the motherhood that she thought she would get. Having an autistic child brings a whole world of struggles and not something you plan for when you have a baby. She understood that I was grieving for the motherhood that I was expecting; the motherhood which didn’t include Postnatal Depression. I grieved for my old life; my carefree life which wasn’t heavy with responsibility or expectation. I grieved for my pre baby body; whilst it has done something amazing and created another human it doesn’t mean I have to like what I see when I look in the mirror.

Me and Mr N are friends with a gorgeous couple who are two of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. They desperately want to be parents but it hasn’t happened for them yet. When I say yet, I am a million percent sure that they will be parents eventually. They will make the most devoted Mummy and Daddy but they have faced an unbelievable struggle. She (let’s call her Mrs X) told me that she grieves the process of Motherhood that she is yet to experience. I’ve spoken to her at length about my battle with PND and whilst our situations couldn’t be more different, a lot of the feelings are the same.

Guilt – I’ve felt so much guilt for not feeling a connection to my little boy and for desperately wishing that I could go back to my old life when so many people would do anything for a child. Mrs X has felt guilty for feeling sad when a baby is born when she should be over the moon.

Jealousy – I have felt so jealous of my Mum friends who had seemingly ‘easy’ babies and who were loving being a Mummy when I was hating every minute of it. Mrs X said she feels envious every time someone new announces a pregnancy or a birth when they haven’t had the chance to do the same.

Sadness – I feel sad when I think back on the early days of motherhood and I remember how awful they were. I remember how much I cried. It made me sad that all the Mothers around me were loving their new lives and I really wasn’t. Mrs X is sad that she is yet to experience motherhood whilst everyone around her is having babies.

Isolation/Loneliness – Battling Postnatal Depression is isolating and I often feel very lonely. I’m very lucky to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family but only my Mum has suffered like I have so no one else can really truly understand what I’m going through. Mrs X feels isolated as she now has very few friends who don’t have children. Having to be involved in Baby Showers and children’s Birthday parties when you long to be a Mother is heart breaking for her.

Your relationship – I don’t know how Mrs X feels about this but I can only imagine the strain that fertility struggles can have on a relationship. My mental health has put a huge strain on my relationship with Mr N especially since Covid. Mr N works crazy hours and I have spent a lot of time on my own with Little A. Mr N doesn’t always know what to do when I’m in a bad way and I take all of my stresses out on him. He puts up with an awful lot. Thankfully we’re strong and are still standing but it’s been a challenge. Dealing with parenthood is hard enough on it’s own without your Wife battling with her mental health. PND tried to break us but it will not succeed.

Being treated differently – I have found that people don’t always know how to approach me since I’ve been open about my battles with my mental health. A lot of people perhaps don’t want to upset me or say the wrong thing so instead they either stay silent or they skirt around it. Mrs X says she feels exactly the same. I think we would both prefer it if people just got straight to the point and if we don’t want to talk about something then we’ll change the subject.

Even though we cannot understand the other persons situations, we can appreciate the feelings involved and I feel even closer to her than I did before.

Grief is a funny thing. Just because your circumstances may be different doesn’t mean you aren’t feeling exactly the same. This is why it’s so important to open up to people. You never know just how much you might have in common.