The Highs and Lows of Motherhood

I’m a regular user of Social Media, Instagram in particular. I spend hours scrolling and following the lives of not only my friends and family but also those in the public eye.

In the last few months there have been quite a few babies born to people that I follow. People like Charlotte Dawson, Ashley James and Kate Lawler who have been amazing at documenting the highs and lows of motherhood. Kate Lawler has been particularly vocal about how hard she’s found the adjustment in becoming a Mum. I love the Instagram accounts of these women in particular who use their platform for good. To show everyone that whilst motherhood can be wonderful, it definitely doesn’t come without bad days too.

I saw a post from Laura Whitmore who has also recently given birth which inspired me to write this particular blog. She talked about how lucky she was to have had an uncomplicated natural labour and a baby who took to breastfeeding straight away. She talked about how great she was feeling. She mentioned the guilt she felt for feeling so good after being told throughout her pregnancy all of the negative things about motherhood.

It got me thinking about my own experiences and this blog that I’ve been writing for almost a year. Whilst I try to make sure that each of my posts are balanced, it can be hard to be positive particularly if I’m writing about a part of my journey that’s hard to talk about. I instantly worried that I was one of those people she was referring to. One of those people who is always so negative about motherhood and who rarely talks about all of the good things that come with being a Mum. It was one of the things I dreaded the most about publishing my thoughts every week. That people would see me differently. That people would think all I did was complain. That people would think I wasn’t grateful to have fallen pregnant and given birth to a healthy baby.

I know this blog isn’t just your typical Mum blog. This blog is written based on my own experiences with Postnatal Depression and so won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I have no idea of the demographic of people who actually read my ramblings each week; some of them are friends and family, some will be suffering with PND themselves, some might have a loved one struggling and others may just have an interest in maternal mental health.

As I’ve said many times in previous posts, I felt like the odd one out after I gave birth. My friends who had babies around the same time as me didn’t struggle like I did. All of us used to discuss how tired we were and there was much talk in our NCT Mums WhatsApp group about how we wished there was a baby manual that told you what to do but no one else seemed to be having a hard time like me. I obviously wasn’t completely honest myself about how bad I was struggling mentally but I don’t remember anyone else feeling the same.

I wonder now if my Mum friends felt that I was too negative about motherhood. That I brought them down when they themselves were feeling great just like Laura Whitmore is currently. It was one of the main reasons I eventually started excluding myself from group meet ups with the NCT Mums and why I backed away from lots of my friends. I hated the depressive person I’d become and I listened to my brain when it told me that people didn’t want me hanging around them like a dark cloud.

Society paints a certain picture of motherhood when you’re pregnant. I found it to be a mixture of positives and negatives. People warn you about the sleep deprivation and the lack of time to yourself but they also tell you how wonderful being a parent is, how it’s all worth it and how much you’ll love the little person you created. Everyone’s experiences are different. Perhaps I was lucky to have had it more balanced when I think back to the things people told me.

I’ve been very open about how hard I’ve found motherhood. Being a Mum has definitely not come easy to me. I like to think that 19 months down the line I’m a lot more clued up about Little A and what to do or not to do but as each milestone passes there comes new challenges. When he was a new-born we were dealing with reflux and colic, then it’s sleep, weaning, crawling and walking and now we’re onto the talking. I feel like I’m learning every day and I guess it’s like any job we do it can take some time to fully feel like you’ve settled.

I look at Little A sometimes and cannot believe that I made him. On days when I feel like a complete failure I look at him and try to remind myself how powerful my body is to have carried him for 9 months. I know all parents say this about their children but he really is very handsome. Whilst the love and the bond took a long time, it is unbelievably strong now. The motherly instincts that I never thought I’d develop I’ve found and I’ve realised that there’s a lot of magic in being a Mummy. I have the power to soothe any ailment with something as simple as a cuddle and that is just wonderful.

Everyones motherhood journey is different. Some people have natural births with very little recovery, others have traumatic labours which can lead to PTSD. Some people have easy going babies who sleep anywhere and only cry when they’re hungry, others have little ones who suffer with reflux and colic, don’t sleep and cry all the time. Some people cannot wait to get pregnant again because they’ve found their first time experience so wonderful, others develop a mental illness which can make it difficult to think about having more children.

Mums unfortunately have to put up with a lot of judgement which comes from all angles and for anything you might do that someone doesn’t necessarily agree with. Mums shouldn’t feel ashamed to admit that they’re having a tough time just like Mums who are feeling great and enjoying it. Just because someone you know has found their feet straight away and is sailing along doesn’t mean that you’re a failure for not doing that.

I hope that one day we can get to a place when people don’t feel the need to shame or judge others for being open about the highs and lows of motherhood. I hope that one day we can get to a place where all Mums are celebrated regardless of their journey.