The Centre of my Universe.. Little A

When I decided to start writing my blog, there were two things that worried me.

Firstly, I was concerned that perhaps I was being too honest. Would people even want to read about me going into depth about my long traumatic labour or my battle with Postnatal Depression. I was worried that I would be judged or that people’s perception of me would be changed after reading my posts. I decided that if I was going to write this blog I would be honest and nothing but. I cannot see any point in writing a blog if you aren’t completely truthful with your readers.

Secondly and probably my biggest worry, was how Little A would feel if he was to read my blog when he’s older. The only reason I am writing this blog is because of my struggles with PND and that struggle has only happened because I had a baby; because I had Little A. That makes me sad. Having a baby should be a wonderful and joyous time; sleep deprivation and drowning in wet nappies but happy and I didn’t really get that.

One day I will tell Little A about my battle with Postnatal Depression and if he wants to read my blog he can. The thought of it makes me want to cry that he will one day read every thought and feeling I had especially the horrible ones in those very early days. The only thing that gets me through is my Mum’s own battle with Postnatal Depression when she had me nearly 33 years ago. My Mum had a really tough time in the days when you were expected to just ‘get on with it’. There was no help or support available like there is now. My Mum was always very open with me about her own struggles but it hasn’t affected our relationship in any way; my Mum is my best friend and my role model. I have no memories of those early days when I was small and so I hope that Little A won’t either.

I want Little A to know that his Mummy was strong and brave for admitting that she was struggling and for getting help. I want him to know that none of what happened was my fault and that I wish more than anything that I could go back and soak up all those moments when he was small. I want him to know that even though we didn’t bond straight away, when we did it was magical. He is the centre of my universe and always will be.

If anything good can come out of my struggles, I hope he grows up to be brave and strong just like his Mummy and to know that no matter what the obstacle or how dark the sky seems; things will always get better and you can overcome anything.