TAKEOVER by Mr N - Perspective

When Mrs N asked me to write a blog for her website, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to write. In the end I decided that I wanted to talk about the effect Postnatal Depression (PND) had on her perspective of life and more importantly herself. I wanted to write about how to the outsider she is an amazing mum but how the PND had tricked her into thinking that she was doing a bad job.

Mrs N and I were incredibly lucky. When we got married 2 years ago, we were ready to start a family. We had been together five years and had been fortunate enough to do a lot of things we had wanted to do as a young couple. We were lucky in the fact that we had Little A only 10 months after our wedding day. When I found out Mrs N was pregnant, I was over the moon and even more delighted for the wife as I knew how long she had wanted to be a mum (I kept her waiting for a ring so didn’t dare want to keep her waiting for a baby).

That was the start of an exciting journey of shopping for baby stuff, decorating the nursery and finding out that our baby was going to be a boy. In the months leading up to Little A being born I did not think too much about what life would be like once he was here but was more caught up in the excitement of having a son. I was excited about what was to come and was thinking further ahead than the first few months of Little A’s life. I hoped he would share my interests, particularly for sport and I looked forward to all the great things we would do as a family. I knew the early months would be tough and I know that they are hard for all parents, however maybe subconsciously I decided not to think about that too much. The first few months of pregnancy flew by, however the final few dragged as we were both impatient to meet the human we had made.

During the labour Mrs N was amazing. She had a tough time but was so strong the whole time we were in the hospital. She gave birth to Little A and meeting him for the first time was the best moment of my life. At the same time I was so proud of Mrs N and watching her hold Little A for the first time I could see she was already a natural. I had known for a long time Mrs N would be a great Mum as she is very thoughtful and caring and I have also seen the way she was around other people’s children. Little A had keep us waiting, arriving nearly two weeks late but it was worth the wait.

As I said Mrs N had a tough time in labour and I don’t think either of us appreciated the impact this would have over the coming months in respect of her PND.

The first couple of weeks at home while I was on Paternity Leave flew by. We had lots of visitors and were getting to grips with Little A’s demands. He is the most demanding boss I have ever had. The working hours are long, he wants things done yesterday, and the pay isn’t great!

While I was on Paternity Leave me and the wife worked well as a team. I tried to give her enough time to recover from the labour and to rest but at the same time she knew when I needed to have a nap to refresh before the next shift. Little A slept a lot during the first couple of weeks so lulled us into a bit of a false sense of security about what was to come.

Going back to work was hard; leaving the wife at home on her own to deal with Little A. By this point he was barely sleeping at all and when he was awake he could be quite grizzly. In truth I had it easy being at work but it was hard knowing there was not a huge amount I could do when Mrs N called me if she was having a tough time. I offered all the support over the phone I could and usually she would then be ok for the rest of the day. However there were times when I knew that she was still really upset and at home dealing with it on her own. It was hard feeling helpless to do anything about it.

I would come home and she would tell me about her day. This is where I could really notice the effect the PND was having; in the way that she talked and her perspective of things. She felt she had been a failure and let everyone down. She felt that she was holding Little A back in his development and that he would be better off with a different Mummy. In truth the reality was very different. She was being a brilliant Mummy to the little man and although she was battling her own demons he would never have known as she really hid that from him. She was also doing a lot with Little A that she didn’t give herself credit for. She was getting out and about, meeting his little mates and taking him to different classes. She brought him up to the office on a few occasions which was a big deal getting on a busy train all by herself. At home she was thinking of every single little detail, preparing his clothes, sorting his bottles and snacks, making sure everything was fully stocked. When I would come home from work although Mrs N was shattered and sometimes upset, Little A was a happy little bear and had obviously enjoyed his day far more than his Mummy.

For me, the reason I think Mrs N found it tough was because she likes to be prepared and organised and it is so hard to be either of those things with a new born that has no real routine. She was as prepared as she could be however, and she was still more organised than I will ever be!

There were some dark times at the beginning that culminated in Mrs N getting some counselling. This was certainly the right choice as I felt if she could hear from a professional that she was doing a good job and not to be so hard on herself, she would listen. There was only so many times I could repeat these things and they lost their effect the more I said them, even though they were true. The counselling really helped and she completed this at the start of the year. Straight away I could see a change in her outlook, and things were looking positive. She was beginning to have more good days than bad. All the while every day was a good day for Little A. As he began to smile and laugh you could see that he was growing up to be a happy little boy.

Mrs N would tell me what she discussed in her counselling and it was an eye opener for us both. She would talk to the councillor about her labour, her past life, that fact that she is a perfectionist, and how all these things could impact on her current mental health. Confronting it head on was the best thing she could have done and will in time help her move past it.

Covid and lockdown came at the worst possible time. Just as things were getting better we were stuck at home and some of the daily routine that had helped Mrs N stopped. She was also not able to see family or friends who had been a big support to her. We were all stuck in and with a small house it could be quite intense when we were all living, working, eating, and playing in the same room. This put Mrs N back a little bit particularly in the first half of the year. As some of the lockdown restrictions have now been lifted she has begun to make some progress in terms of her own happiness. I think that is what she needs to focus on next. She has been so busy looking after me and Little A and the family household that she has neglected to look after herself. I always try to give her a bit of time on her own by taking little A out but she can sometimes struggle to switch off. She has a few things planned towards the end of the year that will allow her to forget about her struggles (if only for an evening) and she can go out and let her hair down.

She worries a lot about the fact she is not the person she used to be but to me she still is the same perfect Mrs N I fell in love with. Although she may not be able to do some of the things she used to or maybe not as often, she must remember that she has not changed. She just has a new job on her CV now.

As the year has gone on Little A has really developed and all the concerns Mrs N had about holding him back are long forgotten. He is growing up to be a clever, funny little man and every day he is doing something new. He is now crawling, cruising, sorting his toys, chattering away, amongst other things.

I do believe that Mrs N is now on the road to recovery and what I try to remind her if she has a bad day is that she shouldn’t let it undo all the progress she’s made. In her eyes she feels like she is back to square one but this is certainly not the case. She has many more good than bad days now and I know she will get there in the end. She has all the support of her family and friends and is getting stronger all the time. Me and Little A love her very much and would be lost without her. She is focused on being the best Mummy to Little A but sometimes she needs to take a break and focus on herself.