Recovery is accepting that there will still be bumps in the road

After celebrating Little A’s first Birthday and as life slowly goes back to normal, I can finally say that my recovery has begun. It had started at the beginning of the year after my Counselling had finished but thanks to Covid I went tumbling backwards.

I am totally and completely in love with Little A and I love being his Mummy. After so long not feeling anything I’m overjoyed that I finally get to feel what all of my friends have been feeling. The love that I always imagined I would feel.

There were many things that contributed to my Depression and Anxiety after having Little A; a particularly tough pregnancy, my traumatic birth and subsequent diagnosis of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), a crying and needy baby who suffered with colic and reflux, my view on how motherhood should be and the comparison to my Mum friends who seemed to have it sorted but more than anything it was the massive life change and the fact that I couldn’t accept that this was now my life. My Therapist told me that once I could accept that I was now a Mother and that things would never be the way they were and once I stopped fighting against that, my recovery would begin. It’s taken a very long time but I think I have finally adjusted to my new role, I’ve passed my probation and I’m no longer fighting for my old life. I’m very happy with the one I have now.

Just because my recovery has begun though doesn’t mean it will happen overnight. I’m not sure how long it’ll take before I can say that PND and my black balloon are no longer part of my life but it’s started and I’m so thankful for that.

I remember someone saying very early on after my diagnosis with PND that there may be bad parts to every day but there will also be good parts too. In my darkest moments, all day every day was bad and it felt like I would never see a good day again. After my Counselling, I finally started having good days; there were bad bits in every day still but I was beginning to see the light. Then lockdown happened. My recovery went backwards and I was once again living in darkness.

It is so amazing for me to admit now that I have so many more good days than bad. I live in bright sunshine rather than the dark fog that used to hold me in its grip. It can be very easy to get carried away with the good days and forget that I even have a mental illness. The problem is it makes it even harder to deal with a random bad day when I’ve been on a high for a long period.

This past week, I have suffered with sciatica which has reduced me to tears and has been a real struggle to get anything done. I suffered with this in the later part of my pregnancy but never to this extent. Since giving birth to Little A my hip and pelvis have caused me pain and I have meant to see a doctor but I just never get around to making an appointment.

It’s crazy that my body is still not right even after a year. It’s been really hard being a Mummy whilst being in pain. Little A is crawling so I’m constantly running after him and that’s exhausting enough without sciatica. Little A also had his next set of jabs and my anxiety was high because of that. The first three lots of jabs when he was small were during the early days of my PND; when I felt no connection to him so whilst it wasn’t nice seeing him crying in pain I didn’t feel the motherly urge to grab him and protect him but I do now. Thanks to Covid only one of us could be in the room with him and because of my needle phobia I knew that Little A would be better off with Mr N. This was the right decision but it also made me feel like a terrible Mother. Even though Mr N is his Daddy I should have been with him.

Little A’s first Birthday also made me think about everything that’s happened over the past year and the people who have been there for me. Thankfully I have an amazing support network but I have also felt let down by some people who I assumed I could rely on but the support hasn’t been forthcoming. I guess that’s something you need to accept as you get older but it’s not nice at the same time.

This week has made me feel as though I’ve gone backwards in my recovery again instead of forwards like I had been but I have to remind myself that just because I’m getting better doesn’t mean there won’t be bad days. There are going to be bumps in the road and I’m sure there are definitely more ahead and I have to learn to deal with them. That doesn’t mean though that I’m not allowed to feel down in the dumps. I have to allow myself to feel that way because hiding it and bottling things up is the worst thing to do. Recovery is knowing that better days are coming.