Our Second Christmas Together

Christmas 2018 - Newly pregnant. Struggling with all day morning sickness. Spent most of Boxing Day at my Mum and Dads asleep.

Christmas 2019 - Diagnosed with Postnatal Depression and Anxiety. Feeling completely lost.

Christmas 2020.. where do I even begin?? This year has been full of ups and downs but the one thing I had to look forward to was Christmas. Christmas is my favourite time of the year despite the fact that the last few years haven’t been the most enjoyable. Moving into Tier 4 restrictions five days before was not what we were expecting.

Even with Covid wreaking havoc on our lives we were determined that this year would be the best Christmas yet. Decorating the house day each year I drink Baileys, play Christmas music loud and make everything festive. Even when I lived in a crew house I always did the same thing. I put the tree up early this year even for me. My Mum has amassed a huge collection of Disney baubles from our many holidays in Walt Disney World and her tree even features a Minnie Mouse topper. Even with two cats and a toddler my own collection of Minnie and Mickey baubles have taken centre stage on the tree.

I love a Christmas film; the cheesier the better. I planned out when we would watch all the classics; Home Alone, Love Actually, The Holiday and have spent my days whilst Little A naps watching every new one I can find.

We had the festive period covered. We were going to spend Christmas Day with Mr N’s parents. His Brother and our Sister in Law were also going to be there with their little girl; our Niece on her first Christmas. Boxing Day we were planning on going to my parents with my Sister and her boyfriend. Two days of precious family time. Two days when Little A will have lots of people to entertain him and me and Mr N get a break. Then all that changed and 5 days before Christmas we were plunged into Tier 4 along with millions of others. Everything we had planned was suddenly blown apart and I spent the days following the announcement feeling completely devastated.

In my mind, it felt like Christmas was completely cancelled. I immediately wanted to take down the decorations and remove any sign of anything festive in our house but Mr N convinced me to keep everything up for Little A. It just doesn’t seem fair that millions of people across the country get to celebrate together on Christmas Day and we didn’t get anything.

Social Media has left me feeling worse the last few days too. Having to watch people who aren’t facing tough restrictions going out for dinner and living their lives with some normality isn’t great.

After the year we’ve had I so wanted Little A to have the best Christmas. The first Christmas we spent together I felt completely lost. PND had consumed me and I was in a really bad place. Covid has messed everything up this year and the only thing we had to look forward to has now been taken from us.

When I think of Postnatal Depression, I think of it as being buried in a deep dark hole. The hole is filled with depression, anxiety, failure, guilt, sadness. At the beginning of the year before Covid and after my Counselling I had started to dig my way out of the hole and I could see the light begin to peek through. Then Covid arrived and I was hit with another load of emotions which brought me back into the darkness. It feels like all year I have been desperately trying to dig my way out of the hole. Some days it would have been very easy to just give up and stop digging but I kept going. I had to keep going for Little A. As we approached Christmas I was suddenly given a boost of energy which caused me to dig even harder and even faster and I felt like I was almost ready to climb out of the hole. Being plunged into Tier 4 just days before Christmas made me feel as though I had gone back to square one. I was back at the bottom of the hole again.

Instead of being with my family, I spent Christmas Day with Mr N and Little A. We bought loads of party food and alcohol and have had some much needed rest or as much rest as you can have with a toddler.

The madness of this whole year and the cancellation of our Christmas only means that next year will be huge. Little A will be two by then and we can do everything that we weren’t able to do this year.

When you’re battling your mental health, Christmas can be a really unsettling time. Everyone expects you to feel festive and look forward to this time of year but when you suffer with depression and anxiety sometimes the thought of it can fill you with dread. Be kind to yourself; I have to remind myself of this every day. Do what makes you happy and surround yourself with people who lift you up.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. However you are spending the festive period, I wish you so much love. Eat, drink and be merry.