Not another lockdown

As I write this, we are days away from another lockdown. Another 4 weeks at home living under tough restrictions.

Covid doesn’t seem to have any intention of disappearing any time soon and it’s hard to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I can’t believe this is happening again. Just when I feel like I’m starting to get back on my feet.

It was totally expected of course and I know that the short term pain of a lockdown will hopefully help to eradicate this virus quicker once and for all. It doesn’t make it any easier though. Being a stay at home Mum is hard enough when there are things to do but going into lockdown with everything closed is going to be even harder.

We have recently started going out for lunch again as a family. Little A was getting used to being out, sitting in a high chair and was loving eating food off of the kids menus. We were feeling like some normality was back. I was meeting some of my Mum friends for playdates and taking Little A to our local soft play. The more I saw people and the more I did the more confident I felt. I could also see Little A’s confidence growing which was just wonderful.

Another lockdown means we cannot see other people and Little A will be kept from playing with his baby friends. There will be no self-care for me either which is a big part of my recovery. I enjoy meeting my friends for dinner and a few glasses of wine or grabbing a coffee on my own on a weekend and with everything closed and the restrictions of meeting other people these things just cannot happen.

Lockdown is tough for everyone. Whilst everyones situation and circumstances are different, I don’t think there is anyone who can say that they haven’t been touched by Covid in some way.

Mr N’s Brother and our Sister-in Law reach their baby’s due date this weekend. The baby will certainly arrive during lockdown which at least for them means that they can fully bond together as a family without worrying about visitors or tidying up but it also means that they cannot show off their beautiful new arrival.

One of my friends was due to get married last week which has been cancelled for obvious reasons but is completely devastating after having already scaled back the numbers due to Covid.

I worry that my recovery which was going so well will grind to a halt again. I just don’t see myself ever getting rid of my black balloon whilst Covid is still hanging around. It’s like torture; every time I get close to feeling a bit like myself again something else comes along to knock me back down.

My anxiety is currently astronomical. I feel a bit like I did at the beginning of the first lockdown. I’m fearful of the virus and people getting too close. I’m terrified of the next four weeks and being alone with Little A with nothing to do.

I have already had messages from friends and family checking in on me. I feel so much less alone because I know I have people to turn to if I’m having a bad day. Battling a mental illness is difficult on its own without another lockdown and I am so lucky to be surrounded by people who ‘get me’ and who offer support. In the current circumstances, we need to look out for each other.

Hopefully this lockdown will only last the 4 weeks and it doesn’t drag on any longer. There doesn’t seem to be much hope at the moment but I’m clinging onto this especially with Christmas just around the corner.

We got through it before and we’ll get through it again and I’ll keep repeating this to myself until I believe it.