New Year New Lockdown

I just like everyone else was very happy to see the back of 2020. It was the year that Postnatal Depression almost broke me. It was the year of Covid. It was a year of hell. On the other hand it was the year that I fell in love with Little A and I will forever be grateful for that.

I had hoped by this point in my motherhood journey that I would have completely freed myself from my Black Balloon. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I am very slowly loosening it’s hold on my wrist but it’s still hanging on.

Having our Christmas celebrations taken from us with very little notice meant that all we had to look forward to was the end of the year and the start of a new one. 2021. The year that would see the end of Covid and life going back to normal. I don’t think anyone was under any illusion that there wouldn’t be another lockdown in January however, when it was announced it was still a shock. More so because this is again a lengthy and restrictive lockdown and it is impossible to see an end in sight. All everyone keeps saying is “Yay we have a vaccine” and “we should be back to normal by April” and whilst those are all very true they cannot help me in the now.

I survived the first week of lockdown. There are so many more weeks to come. This week has been the toughest week I’ve experienced since the very first lockdown in March last year. The weather has been awful; cold, dark, wet and windy. I take Little A out for a walk every day; it’s good for the both of us but when the weather is grim it makes it very hard to find the motivation to leave the house. Walking in the wind and rain only makes me feel more miserable.

Being stuck in the house with a toddler is testing on a normal day. At least then I could take Little A for a walk, meet friends for playdates, take him to a Soft Play. Break the day into chunks and have him easily entertained. Aside from a walk in the morning, we are both stuck indoors. I’m unbelievably bored and frustrated so it is only right that Little A feels the same. He has no interaction with anyone other than me and Mr N which only leads me to worry about his development and social skills on top of how my mental illness affects him. My brain can never switch off and I’ve really been struggling to sleep at night; thanks Mr Anxiety. I spend hours googling delayed development and looking for any signs that Little A could be one of the few who experience this. Whilst he is only 16 months and still very small I cannot stop myself from obsessing. It is the same obsession that made me stare at the baby monitor when Little A was tiny checking whether or not he was breathing; looking for any kind of movement that would signal he was alive. PND can manifest itself in so many ways which is why I had no idea obsession was even a symptom of it. It’s like trying to grasp onto any kind of control which has been taken away by having a baby.

The days are long and as hard as this is for me to admit, I have felt unbelievably lonely. It sounds crazy; how can I be lonely. Mr N works upstairs and I spend my days with Little A but Mr N also works long hours with very little breaks and Little A is too small to be able to talk to me. Thankfully there are video calls; I talk to my Mum every day now and it is nice to be able to show her and my Dad what Little A is up to. She is supporting me just like she always has; even if it has to be from afar. They both sat on a video call only a few days ago whilst I sobbed. I cried for how miserable I am and how lonely I feel. It must be hard for them watching me so down and not being able to do anything about it.

I’ve cried every day this week. In the early days of my diagnosis I cried every day too. I could see no good in anything. There was a shadow over absolutely everything. Then as the days and months progressed and my recovery had begun I finally began to have good days. This week has mostly been bad which is hard to deal with after doing so well at the end of last year.

I am surrounded by wonderful people who can always sense when I’m having a hard time and check in on me but everyone is having such a hard time right now it’s easier for me to withdraw again and go off grid. I cannot bare being a depressing Debra and I refuse to bring anyone else down. You’d think that the best course of action would be to speak to more of my friends especially as I’ve been feeling lonely but I cannot pretend to be anything but sad. I cannot bare to lie and say “I’m fine” when I’m really not but I also don’t have the energy to be honest.

Mr N brought me a diary for the New Year and I have been writing in it each night once Little A has gone to bed. I started writing a journal whilst I was having my Counselling but when Covid came I was in too much of a bad state to continue. I decided that a brain dump each night before I go to bed might help me switch my brain off. I can write down every thought I had that day; both good and bad. I can write down every obsessive thing I did without being judged by anyone.

2021 brought with it so much hope for a life without Covid and restrictions but already it feels very much like 2020. I still hold onto some hope that once the vulnerable have all been vaccinated perhaps the second part of the year might be more normal. We can finally take Little A on his first holiday after last years was cancelled. We can finally have some family days out without worrying about restrictions and hopefully we can have the huge party for Little A’s 2nd Birthday that we couldn’t have for his 1st one.

Everyone is struggling right now. Even those who do not suffer with mental illness. Everyone is suffering in their own way. Please be kind to each other and support people wherever you can even if it is only by text. There are many Mums and Dads struggling with PND right now along with the millions battling other mental illnesses. Those people just like me will not suddenly get better once the restrictions are lifted. If you know anyone in this situation, please look after them and let them know you’re there when they’re ready to open up.