Mum Guilt

I’ve been thinking a lot about guilt recently especially the dreaded Mum Guilt. I feel guilty every single day and for so many different reasons. Battling Postnatal Depression and the anxiety that comes with it creates a lot of feelings of guilt but even without that, motherhood is filled with this emotion.

I realised that Mum Guilt was a thing as early as during my pregnancy. It’s expected that you should feel glorious and grateful to be pregnant and growing new life but instead I felt fat and uncomfortable. I was unbelievably thankful that we were so lucky to conceive straight away when so many others are desperate for a baby but it only made me feel more guilty for not enjoying it. People mean well by telling you to “make the most of it being just the two of you” and “to get lots of sleep before the baby comes” but again it only left me feeling guilty for wanting to wish this time away.

As soon as I gave birth, I watched my Mum friends and how in love they were with their tiny bundles. I felt guilty for feeling jealous that I didn’t feel the same about my own. I felt guilty for wishing that I had a much easier baby who didn’t suffer with reflux and colic and who didn’t cry all the time. I felt guilty for wishing I could go back to my old life. I felt guilty for wanting my skinny pre baby body back. I felt guilty for not feeling as happy as Mr N was at becoming a parent and I especially felt guilty for not being the Wife I wanted to be to Mr N.

As Little A grows I worry constantly that my illness is going to have affected him in some way. I look out for every developmental milestone and get obsessed with whether or not he is reaching them when he should. I feel guilty that Little A has to put up with a Mummy who cannot give him 100%. His food journey hasn’t been easy and I wonder if that is because I find mealtimes really stressful and he has picked up on that. I take it completely personally that he has a real food aversion. All of his little friends will happily eat anything and their Mums haven’t suffered with their mental health so it has to be my fault.

I feel guilty when my anxiety peaks and the only way to survive is to lock myself away with Little A and stay away from everyone. Many times this has been to the detriment of plans made with friends and I’m always so disappointed if I have to cancel plans with people and the guilt I feel is enormous. If you’re friends with someone living with anxiety, give them a break. Whilst you may be disappointed when they have to rearrange a much anticipated meet up, being anything but supportive will just make them feel worse. Don’t take it personally and most definitely do not make them defend or justify how they’re feeling.

I think society plays a massive part in creating Mum Guilt. That and Social Media.

There is so much expected of you when you become a Mum; people make comments that are coming from a good place but make you feel terribly guilty. Seeing what other Mums are up to on Social Media can make you feel bad about what you’re doing or not doing. I have intermittent breaks from both Instagram and Facebook for this reason and whilst I’m away I feel so much better.

Guilt is not something I would have associated with Motherhood but it’s just another thing that no one tells you about before you have a baby. Guilt isn’t a very nice emotion and it’s a feeling I have to actively try and overcome every day.

I need to get better at being kind to myself so that the guilt doesn’t consume me. As Little A gets older I hope I can get to a point where I no longer feel like I‘m always letting him down.