Mr N.. my very own Prince Charming

Mr N features heavily in my blogs so I thought it only right to dedicate a whole post just to him. My Husband, Best Friend and my very own Prince Charming (cheesy I know).

I met Mr N online in October 2012 with our first date at the end of November that same year. As awful as Plenty of Fish was at times, it brought us together so I will always be grateful.

At the time I was flying for Monarch; shift worker flying at any time day or night. Mr N was in Pensions Admin; office worker Monday to Friday 9-5. Our schedules couldn’t have been more different. Mr N liked routine whereas my life had none. I always liked that about my job. I may have known where I was flying to but I had no idea what would happen on each flight. I always considered routine unbelievably dull. Who’d have known at that point in my life how much that would change.

It could sometimes be difficult trying to match up our schedules. With Mr N’s football coaching, piano lessons, golf with friends and my unsociable working hours we could often go a week without seeing each other. During the Winter when we did very short ski flights, I would often be landed by 9/10am on a weekend. Mr N would be there waiting to pick me up and we’d spend the rest of the afternoon/evening together ready for exactly the same the next morning. It was so lovely landing so early but it would mean a 2/3am wake up. Not great in the early days of dating. It must have been really difficult for Mr N having to put up with my hours. He was probably permanently exhausted trying to fit around my flights. It was always worth it though; the time we spent together albeit sometimes brief was precious.

In early 2015, Monarch had been having a tough time and we went through a consultation period whereby they looked into the business and tried to find ways to save money. This is never good for any business but it was such a worry for me as I was earning very little and renting a room in a shared house. I’d have been ruined if I’d have lost my job. Around the same time me and Mr N had been talking about our future and our next step; buying our own house. Mr N was living in a flat he owned with his Brother whilst I was renting with other crew. He mentioned that there were vacancies at the place he worked and whilst initially I wondered if I was missing the maths brain it seemed the job required I thought it sensible to at least give it a go. The interview process went smoothly and on my last morning on a trip to Tobago, I got a call to notify me that I had been offered a job. I flew home from the Caribbean that night and as soon as we were back in the crew room, I wrote my resignation. Mr N had also been in discussions with his Brother and he asked whether I wanted to move in with them. I was over the moon. New job and a new home. There was lots to look forward to.

After a year of working in Pensions Admin and living with Mr N and his Brother, we decided to look into buying our own house. We found the perfect little two bed terrace close to where we were both working. It was wonderful to finally have a space that was just ours after years of living with other people.

It was once we bought our own house and brought home our two fur-balls (our cats) that the questions started coming. Questions directed at Mr N regarding an engagement. Whilst I knew that Mr N was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I also didn’t want him to feel pressured. I wanted him to propose only when he felt truly ready.

The following year we both hit the big 3-0. Mr N first in the February and me 6 months later in the August. Mr N had always been very honest about the fact that when he did decide to propose, it would be a real surprise. He would never do it on a Birthday, Anniversary, Occasion or a big holiday (the year before we had been to Disney World in Florida and I think everyone expected it to happen then). Just like I did for him, he had planned a few days worth of surprises for my Birthday. Being as obsessed with Disney as I am, we decided to visit Pooh Corner down in East Sussex the day before my Birthday. It is the setting for Winnie the Pooh. It was where he was brought to life. There is a gorgeous little tea room down there and you can visit Pooh Bridge and play Pooh Sticks. I was so excited. Little did I know that after walking down to the river and admiring the bridge, on a bench in the middle of the woods, Mr N got down on one knee and held out the most beautiful engagement ring I’ve ever seen. I was in complete and utter shock and I couldn’t stop crying. His desire to surprise me was an undeniable success. Not only had he been holding onto the ring in his rucksack but he’d also come prepared with a couple of mini Champagne bottles and some plastic Champagne flutes. It was wonderful and couldn’t have been more perfect.

Mr N always knew that I wanted a dream Disney Wedding and he was happy to let me run with it. He had to reign me in at times; I have a tendency to get carried away and my expensive tastes can be somewhat of a worry but there was nothing about our Wedding where I can look back with regret. I said my vows to the most wonderful man in the world inside an old English country house and surrounded by all the people we love; it honestly was the happiest day of my life.

A few days after the Wedding, we jetted off to the West Coast of the USA for our dream honeymoon. Seeing the sights of San Francisco, Whale watching in Monterey, Living like Celebrities in Los Angeles and ending in Las Vegas where we tried to win big in the Casinos. It was perfect and everything we could have wanted.

Very soon after we got back from our Honeymoon, we found out I was pregnant. Such a shock that it happened so soon but it was so special to know that we were starting our family. What followed was 9 of the most challenging months of my life.

As I said in a previous blog post, I had so many ailments whilst I was pregnant; Gastroenteritis, Two UTIs for which I needed two lots of antibiotics, terrible morning sickness, terrible insomnia and sciatica in both hips towards the end which made walking difficult. Not to mention I was doing the later part of my pregnancy during a very hot Summer. I will happily admit that it was a very miserable 9 months. It was so exciting knowing I was growing our baby but I struggled watching my body change and I never felt like I had a chance to really enjoy it. There was always something wrong with me. So many times I would sit on the bathroom floor after another hour of being sick and cry whilst Mr N just held me. It was tough for me going through it but it must have been really tough for Mr N having to watch me suffer and not really being able to help.

I finally gave birth on 5 September 2019 12 days past my due date. We were both so thankful that our little boy had arrived safely but whilst I watched Mr N stare lovingly at him, I unfortunately wasn’t feeling the same. I could never tell him that though.

In the early days after I’d given birth, Mr N would keep Little A downstairs with him during the nights to do all the feeds and nappy changes so I could get some rest and try and sleep. He would then sleep in the mornings whilst I took over. We made a really good team and it was all working so well until Mr N went back to work two weeks after the birth. It seemed unbelievable at the time that I had only given birth two weeks before and was still healing yet I was now going to be alone with the baby from 7am till 7pm. It meant that I had to take over responsibility for Little A at night. It was at this point when I really noticed how much I was struggling. Little A would nap on me during the day but at night he just liked to scream. It was torture. Mr N was also in the bed next to me whilst all this screaming was happening so even though he wasn’t dealing with Little A he wasn’t getting much sleep. I found it so hard to function on little sleep but Mr N was doing this whilst commuting into London and then doing a full days work. I used to countdown till 7pm when he would walk through the door. I was excited that I got some company and excited that he could take over with Little A.

As the weeks went on and I was sinking more and more into a deep dark depression, it got harder to keep it from Mr N. Some days I would call Mr N at work screaming and crying telling him that I couldn’t do it. Some days I wouldn’t even make it past 9.30am before I was on the phone to him. At the time I just wanted him to know how hard I was finding it but in hindsight I realise that it must have been terrible for Mr N to know I was having a hard time but not being able to do anything about it. To be so far away from us.

The day I had a breakdown with my Mum she messaged Mr N to let him know that I was in a bad way and that I needed his help. He came home and asked me to tell him everything. All of the pain that I’d been holding in for so long came flooding out. I was ashamed of some of the thoughts I’d been having. I felt guilty for not feeling any connection to our Son and I was embarrassed that he was having to live with a person who looked exactly like his Wife but who wasn’t the same anymore.

I hated the thought that Mr N would see me differently. That he’d think I was mad. That he’d worry about leaving our Son with me in case I did something awful. It’s a huge burden for someone who is trying to hold his family together whilst also keeping up with the pressures of a full time job.

I knew when I married Mr N that he was the right man for me. We promised each other that day that we would be there for each other in the good and the bad. This was the bad and he has stood by me throughout everything. After my diagnosis Little A had started waking just the once for a feed during the night so Mr N took over with that and he would sleep around it. I struggled with the nights; being up with Little A in the early hours and then being with him all day on very little sleep. Those days were tough. Mr N has always been very hands on with Little A which was probably helped by the fact that we chose to formula feed right from the start. Add to this the fact that Mr N has been working from home since Little A was 6 months old, they have the most amazing bond. Little A runs to the bottom of the stairs when he hears his Daddy coming and Mr N gets the best smiles. It makes my heart want to burst. It’s just wonderful.

Mr N is not only the best Daddy to Little A but he’s also the best Husband. I know everyone says it but it couldn’t be more true of Mr N. Over the last 17 months, he’s held me when all I could do was cry. He’s told me I’m beautiful when I’m in my pj’s and haven’t showered. He’s told me I’m a great Mum when all I’ve done is shout and at the end of the day I’ve felt like a failure but the most important thing is he’s loved me even when I haven’t felt very loveable. He loved the old me and he loves the new me and I know he always will.

I don’t think new Dads are given enough credit. They become the head of the family and are forced to carry a lot on their shoulders. Full time parenting whilst working full time. It’s a heavy load to carry.

I am so unbelievably grateful for everything that Mr N is. The ability to calm me down when I feel full of rage, the strength to hold me up when I don’t think I can go on and the courage to be honest with me when I need to be told.

Thank you Mr N; for standing by me and never letting go. Despite the hardships of the last 17 months, our relationship is stronger than ever and I am so grateful to have you by my side.

Me and Little A love you to the moon and back xx