Love Me Until I'm Me Again

I haven’t really felt like myself recently.

Being stuck at home, not seeing anyone and with no where to go, I spend my days trying anything to keep an energetic toddler entertained. I take Little A out for a walk every morning around our local area and now he can walk we can finally go to the playground. Then Little A has his lunch and hopefully a nap and then a long afternoon of playtime. The afternoon is the hardest right now. It gets dark so early and with the weather having been so grim, sometimes it is difficult to get out again which means we are stuck indoors. Stuck indoors with a toddler who wants to be out doing things and seeing people and gets frustrated with the toys on offer.

After having Little A I felt like I had completely lost my identity. I had lost who I once was and I couldn’t figure out who I had become. Motherhood is a massive lifechanging event and a lot of women struggle with their new found job role. I remember saying to people “I feel like the old me has gone and I loved her so much. The new me is sad and angry and I don’t recognise her at all”. It has taken a really long time but during last Summer I think I finally accepted my new identity and was no longer fighting against it. Lockdown 3.0 has made me question that identity once again.

Since lockdown began I have really struggled. I have cried every single day and even though I know I have people I can talk to, it doesn’t stop me feeling completely alone. I struggle to remember all the things that I used to enjoy. I struggle to remember all the things I used to do that brought me joy. I have very little time to myself; that’s part and parcel of motherhood but it is definitely heightened during lockdown. I never get any real time to myself. I love to colour and got some new colouring books for Christmas but I just don’t get enough time. By the time bedtime comes round and we’ve had our dinner I’m exhausted. I just want to sit and watch the TV and chill out.

I spend my days encouraging Little A and helping him to learn and he is doing so well but I feel like I am losing myself as the days go on. I cannot remember the last time I felt genuine happiness. It was months ago. There doesn’t seem to be much to look forward to right now either.

I’ve noticed the last week how bad my mental health has got. How badly my mental health has declined. I have been having difficulties sleeping again which I blame on my anxieties. I can never seem to switch my brain off at night. When I’m tired I know my tolerance levels are a lot lower and everything is heightened. I always try and warn Mr N on days like that so he knows I may struggle. This week some of my original PND symptoms have also reappeared and have made me worry that I’m tumbling back down the PND hole. The anger, intrusive thoughts and anxiety have completely consumed me. I know I am not right back at the beginning again but it has definitely felt that way this week. Feeling completely alone in my battle. As if my recovery over the past year didn’t happen.

I was reminded this week that it was a year ago that I finished my first lot of Counselling. A picture of a lunch with Mr N and Little A and wine with my Mum. I told everyone on Social Media that it marked the end of a very dark chapter in my life and hopefully the start of me getting better. Little did I know that one year later I would still be battling. I would still be living in semi darkness.

A year ago this week I felt confident that I would beat this. That I would finally manage to let go of the Black Balloon that had been clinging on. This week I signed up for Counselling again. I cannot believe how open and honest I’m being about that. Not long after I’d had Little A when I was finding everything a real struggle, I was ashamed and embarrassed to admit to anyone that I needed help. It took me a while before I could openly admit to people other than my Mum and Mr N that not only was I suffering with my mental health but that I was also seeking the support of a Therapist. This time around, whilst I’m disappointed that a year later I don’t feel as though I’ve made much progress, I’m definitely not fighting to keep it to myself. I know that Counselling helped me the first time round and I’m hopeful that it will do the same this time. I’m no longer fearful of judgement.

I want to be the best Mummy to Little A. A Mummy who isn’t bothered by what everyone else is doing or wrapped up in anxiety. I want to be the Wife to Mr N that I was before I had a baby. Fun, supportive and understanding of his struggles instead of just being wrapped up in my own. I want to be a daughter and sister. I want to be a good friend. I want to be there for everyone around me just like they’ve all been there for me. I want to find things again that bring me joy. I want to be happy.

I cannot thank everyone enough for standing by me throughout what currently feels like a never-ending battle. I cannot thank my friends or family enough for checking in on me when I’m silent, for noticing that I’m quiet and for being there when I’ve been ready to talk.

Everything is all very tough for me right now. I wish I could be more positive but it’s hard to find the good. I’m hopeful that once I can get some more Counselling and the lockdown begins to lift, I’ll begin to feel more like myself.

All I can ask is that for now, please love me until I’m me again.