Life is tough but my darling so are you

This is one of my favourite quotes and it’s the same quote that was on a card one of my friends sent me recently. It made me think about strength and courage and what those two words mean to me.

I always believed that strength was purely physical. That it was something attributed to athletes; people who run marathons or lift heavy weights. I never even considered that mental strength might be a thing.

When I had Little A, even though my waters broke naturally, my contractions stopped suddenly and I needed a boost from the hormone drip to get them going again. I was weak. I’d technically been induced and needed an epidural because I couldn’t deal with the pain. I was weak. My body was unable to push Little A out on it’s own; I had to have an episiotomy and he was delivered with forceps. I was weak. Little A was placed on my chest and I felt nothing. I was weak.

I felt as though my body had let me down again and again and again. It was one of the things I struggled with the most and one of the things I spoke about at length with my Therapist at the beginning of the year. My body was weak for needing so much assistance to bring Little A into the World and I was weak for not being able to deal with Motherhood like all my friends were.

Little A is now almost 15 months old and a lot has happened in that time. Covid and lockdown have meant that this year has been even harder than it would have already been with the PND. There have been some really tough times but receiving the card from my friend with the quote ‘Life is tough but my darling so are you’ definitely gave me food for thought.

It made me think about strength and courage and how I view them.

I needed an epidural because I couldn’t deal with the pain but perhaps that wasn’t weak. I was induced which makes the contractions even more intense as there is no natural build up and from what I’ve read most women who have an induction will go on to have an epidural. So instead of being weak I was strong for accepting the drugs which got me through the rest of the labour.

I needed an episiotomy and Little A was delivered with the use of forceps but perhaps that doesn’t mean I was weak. Little A was struggling and they needed to get him out quickly. So instead of being weak I was strong for letting the midwives do what needed to be done to get my Son out safely.

Little A was placed on my chest and I felt nothing. I felt nothing in the weeks and months following the birth. I pretended that I was enjoying Motherhood and when asked how I was I told everyone I was fine. Once I did admit that I was struggling I was diagnosed with Postnatal Depression. Instead of being weak, I was strong and courageous for telling my Mum how I was feeling and I had therapy to face it head on.

Looking back on those early days, I realise that all of the times I felt that I was weak it was actually the complete opposite. Lockdown has been tough. The restrictions and living during a worldwide pandemic is tough but I am still here. There have been many moments, many days when I have honestly considered whether I can carry on. Sometimes the anguish and pain gets too much but I always push through. I now know that takes strength. A lot of strength. There is no part of my story where anyone could suggest I was weak so why do I always think of myself like that??

This blog has become a bit of therapy in itself. Writing posts about what I’ve been through, what I continue to go through. Some of them have been hard to write but all of them have helped me. Lots of people have told me how brave I am to open up and share my story with the World. I never saw myself as brave; I’m just a person writing about my experiences as a new Mum with PND but perhaps I am brave. There will be so many new Mums struggling with Motherhood and feeling completely alone. If they can read my blog and know that they aren’t the only person who feels that way then it’s been a success.

Supposedly, you are only dealt the cards you can handle. I’ve been dealt a really rough hand over the last few years but I now realise that its because I’m strong enough to withstand anything. This girl is definitely not weak.