I'm Failing

Before having Little A I never experienced the feeling of failure or the worry that I was constantly letting people down. Those are now a part of my daily life because of Postnatal Depression.

Failure is like a toxic friend who tells me that I’m a disappointment, calls me a bad Mum, makes me think that everyone will be better off without me but worst of all says that Little A could do so much better.

When I’m thinking clearly I know that my brain is lying to me and I should just ignore it but on my bad days failure always wins and I feel completely useless. This isn’t helped by Little A who obviously is very well tuned into my moods and if I’m feeling low then this seems to make him grumpy too. It’s like a vicious cycle; the more down I am the more miserable Little A is and the less I’m able to cope with.

I’m not quite sure how to get rid of this toxic friend of mine; some days they leave me alone and I get to enjoy being a Mummy and other days it feels like a massive weight on my shoulders and I wish I could stay in bed and hide under the covers.

None of my Motherhood experience so far has been anywhere near what I imagined it would be. Everyone else seems to be loving being a Mother and I hate myself for saying this but some days I really don’t. I can tell from the moment Little A wakes in the morning what sort of day we’re in for based on his mood. If he wakes up smiley and happy then I know it’ll be a good day but if he’s miserable then I literally dread the next 12 hours before bedtime comes round.

Suffering with Postnatal Depression makes me feel unbelievably lonely. I have plenty of people to turn to if I’m having a bad day but none of my Mummy friends have experienced it so there are very few people who truly understand how I’m feeling. I also don’t like to be a burden on people and so sometimes when asked how I am I either lie and say I’m fine or gloss over it and move onto another subject; it really depends on my mood and whether I feel up to putting on a brave face. I have a select few who I feel comfortable being honest with when I’m having a tough time and some people know me well enough to see through the ’I’m fine’.

Failure hangs over my head when I see other Mums taking their little ones on adventures or I see posts of people who seem to have Motherhood nailed when I’m too scared and anxious to do anything other than take Little A for a walk.

It creeps up when I’m tired and I have no patience for anyone especially Little A.

It screams at me when I haven’t showered for days and the house is a mess.

It whispers in my ear when I have to cancel plans because my anxiety is too high to face seeing anyone.

I wonder if there is always an element of failure in Motherhood. We all strive to do the best we can without any instructions and so often you don’t know if you’re doing the right thing. Postnatal Depression accelerates this and everything I do that doesn’t live up to my expectations I feel like a failure.

Mental health is a strange kind of illness. I cannot compare it to anything else especially because it is not physical and so can easily be hidden. I have days when all I do is cry but I don’t always feel like I can admit that so I plaster on a brave face and push on.

I’m hoping that I can beat this illness one day and failure won’t be such a dominant figure in my life. Maybe I’ll finally be able to lose that toxic friend of mine.