Hope is the only thing stronger than fear

Hope.

Hope has been one of the few emotions that has remained throughout the pandemic and over the last 12 months. It’s hope that has kept us at home for months on end. Hope that keeps us working the long hours and hope that keeps us away from our loved ones. Hope that there is an end to all this, that things will get better, that there is a big bright light at the end of the long tunnel.

I count myself as a positive person. I always have been. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good moan but when I was working I would never take my grump into work and leave everyone sitting under a dark cloud with me. Postnatal Depression has massively affected my views on life and lockdown has made things even more tough. The depression has sucked the life out of me. I am no longer the bright, positive person I once was. The depression has left me feeling as though I’m a complete misery and I would almost certainly bring anyone down who may be crazy enough to be in my company for any length of time. When I say things like this to my family and friends they must think I’m crazy as it’s not something they agree with but the depression clouds any kind of reasoning or reality.

There have been many times over the past 18 months since I had Little A but definitely since the pandemic began that I have completely given up hope. Given up on ever getting better, on ever getting back to normal, on ever feeling like myself again. Sometimes it feels as though I have been forever changed and I worry that I’ll never find the bright bubbly me again but I have to have hope. I have to believe that I can beat this. My hopes for getting better and finally waving goodbye to my black balloon have to be stronger than my fears that I won’t.

Since the roadmap to the way out of lockdown was released, I have been very up and down. There have been many bad days with Little A and it’s hard that we’re still stuck in lockdown but it definitely helps to know that there are dates to aim for now. My Sister can re-open her Beauty Room in London after months and months of being closed, I can start seeing my friends and family again and Little A can finally catch up on everything he’s missed. My Mum and Dad and my in-laws have all recently had their first jabs which is just amazing and fills me with confidence that they will very soon be protected. It does finally feel like we’re heading towards some normality although it does still feel like a long way off.

We hope to take Little A on his first holiday that we couldn’t do last year.

I cannot wait to take Little A back to the soft play. The last time we were there he was only just crawling. Now he’s walking confidently and climbing on everything he will really get a lot out of it.

We can spend days at both our parents houses and spend quality time with our siblings.

I meet my Sister in Law and our 4 month old niece on a Monday for a socially distanced walk which has been amazing. I’ve found myself actually looking forward to a Monday which hasn’t happened for a long time. Being in the company of another Mum who I can be completely open with and know there is never any judgement. We have missed out on so much time with our Niece who is growing every time I see her and we’re so excited for the Summer ahead to spend lots of time together with our babies.

I can meet my friends again properly without having to worry about the weather and it always having to be outside. We can go to each other’s houses for playdates.

Little A is 2 in September and we’re hopeful that we’ll be able to have a big party to celebrate and to make up for his very quiet 1st Birthday last year.

Mr N is hoping that he’ll get back to his office in London at some point even if it is mixed with some work from home days. I’ll have the house to myself again. I know that’s definitely going to take some adjustment and it does worry me that any progress I’ll have made may be undone for a time but I’ll make sure I put lots of support in place to reduce the impact as much as I can.

When I’m having a bad day, it can be so hard to find any kind of hope. I worry that I’m going to be like this forever. Miserable and crying all the time but I have to remind myself that right now things are tough and I need to give myself a break. I have hope that things will start getting back to normal very soon and I can restart my recovery.

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Fear can be all consuming but hope will win every time. You just need to believe.