Help Me

One of the NCT Mums invited us all over to her house one afternoon for tea and cake. I was really looking forward to seeing the Mummies and the babies but was dreading it at the same time. I would be in a confined space with other Mums and as I hadn’t been to this particular Mums house before I had no idea what the environment would be like. I had been pretending for weeks that I had this wonderful bond with my Son and that I was just struggling to adapt to Motherhood. The reality of it was that I felt as though I was looking after someone else’s baby… I had no real connection with him. I desperately missed my old carefree life and I believed that I had made a terrible mistake in having a baby. I loved the ‘old me’… she was fun and bubbly and bright but she was long gone. She was replaced by the ‘new me’ and I didn’t recognise her. The thought of it made me so upset. This ‘new me’ was tired and grumpy and had no time for anyone. I felt like I was living under a dark cloud that followed me around everywhere and I couldn’t do anything to shake it. I felt as though I was living in a weird kind of reverse nightmare.. when you wake up from a bad dream you’re so relieved but I woke up into a nightmare. How could I possibly tell anyone how I was feeling?? They’d know I wasn’t coping and start asking questions. They'd think I was an unfit Mum and take Little A away from me.

Back to the afternoon at my Mummy friends house. It was lovely to see the girls that day and I was doing so well.. Little A had been behaving and I felt relaxed. Until the point when he needed his nap… he wouldn’t play because he was tired and he refused to sleep curled up in my arms or on my shoulder. I was trying to get involved in the conversation but I couldn’t hear anything over Little A’s cries and I became anxious that they were being bothered by the noise coming from our corner of the room. I burst into tears which caused further anxiety when I was worried that I had embarrassed myself. One of the Mums in particular who has now become one of my close friends took Little A from me.. she bounced him up and down and he finally stopped crying. She did the most amazing thing by giving me a break but it actually made me feel even more useless.. the façade I had created was rapidly falling apart. An hour later I headed home grateful for the sunglasses I was wearing which hid the tears falling down my cheek.

I knew that this was a lot more than the Baby Blues but I had no idea what to do. I wanted to tell Mr N and my Mum and I knew that I should have done but I couldn’t find the right words. Instead I carried on with my act for a little bit longer..

I had booked onto a Baby Massage course with two of the other NCT Mums.. I hoped that this would be something that would help me bond with Little A. I so wanted to feel what all my friends were feeling.. what I had imagined I would feel. I had to get a bus to the Soft Play where the Baby Massage classes were which was an ordeal in itself. The pram is huge and it made me feel really anxious travelling on public transport but I pushed through my fears and went anyway. The first class was really good.. Little A was really well behaved and he slept for most of the afternoon following the class.

The massage well and truly relaxed him. I was already looking forward to the second class. I offered to take my Mum with us.. she was over the moon.

I had been seeing my Mum once a week up until this point and we decided that after the class we would go to the pub for lunch. That morning it was dark and the weather was rainy and miserable. The bus was running stupidly late; I’m the person who is always annoyingly early so this was never going to be a good start. I planned to catch a certain bus so that I could feed Little A at the venue before the class but the bus being behind was already eating into this time. Once the bus finally arrived we got stuck in a massive traffic jam and not only was I going to miss being able to feed Little A but at this rate we were going to miss the whole class. My anxiety was at its highest and I was starting to feel sick with worry. One of the stops along the route is our local hospital.. we finally arrived here and there was a delay of people boarding as there was an argument going on between the bus driver and a young guy.

Without any warning I suddenly lost it.. I said “I can’t do this anymore” and I burst into tears. My Mum grabbed hold of me and pulled me into a hug. Thankfully, Little A slept through this. Suddenly, everything that I’d been holding in for weeks came rushing out of me. I told her that I hadn’t bonded with Little A, that I felt no connection to him and that he didn’t even feel like mine. I told her that I sometimes wanted to throw Little A into the garden and leave him there when he was screaming. I told her that I felt like I was going mad and no matter what I did I just couldn’t pull myself out of this hole I’d found myself in. I told her what a failure I felt and how I was letting everyone down. I told her that I felt like the worst human in the World for feeling this way. I told her that I didn’t recognise myself anymore and I wished more than anything that I could go back in time and not get pregnant. I felt such a weight being lifted from telling her how I felt. My Mum is the least judgemental person you could find but she was so amazing.. she just listened and let me cry. We had a few glasses of wine and talked it out over lunch. That evening she sent a message to Mr N and told him that I needed help. He came home that night and I told him everything that I’d told my Mum a few hours before. I think I was more worried about telling him… I’m his Wife and the Mother of his Son and I didn’t want him to see me differently. I also didn’t want him to worry that he was leaving his Son at home with a crazy woman not knowing what I might do.

Both of them told me how brave I was to admit that I wasn’t coping. I didn’t feel too brave… it was the complete opposite in fact. I felt like a failure.. I had failed at being a Mum and I had failed at being a Wife. I was also failing my friends and family as I didn’t have enough energy to give anyone any of my time. In all honesty, I did consider a few times that Mr N and Little A might be better off without me. Little A deserved a Mummy who loved him and wasn’t constantly screaming at him and Mr N deserved more than a Wife who cried all the time. Up until that point I had been struggling but I became good at acting out my part of Wife and Mother. Now I had admitted that that wasn’t real I had to face up to it and I hit an all time low. It’s the lowest I have ever felt and at that moment I couldn’t see things getting better.

The next day I did a Google search which told me to contact my Health Visitor. I had the number for the Advice Line on my screen for most of the morning before I finally plucked up the courage to call. The lady who answered asked me how she could help. I told her “I think I have Postnatal Depression and I need some help”. She was so nice.. she listened to what I had to say and told me to contact my GP.

That evening Mr N searched for appointments on our Doctors online booking site and luckily there was one at 8am the next day.

The next morning we drove to the Doctors but I froze as we reached the door. I had called the Advice Line but I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to speak to a Doctor. Mr N was so encouraging and told me how strong I was for admitting that I needed help. I took a deep breath and walked into the Surgery.

Just like everyone I had come across so far, the Doctor was kind and understanding. She confirmed what I had feared.. it was Postnatal Depression. She suggested a 6 month course of Anti-Depressants; apparently it is usually the first thing they like to do to start treating the illness. I had real reservations about medication and told her I would think about it. She told me that there was an NHS website called ‘Mind Matters’ which provides Therapy in our local area. She advised me to visit the website and self-refer; it would be the quickest way for me to get help especially as I had declined the medication. I have never ever had Counselling.. I have never suffered with my mental health so the thought of it scared me. I have always been very open with my feelings.. I take after my Mum but I wasn’t sure how I felt about speaking to someone I didn’t know. I did know that I would never get better without some kind of external help.

I left the GP Surgery feeling a bit more positive… I had admitted that something wasn’t right; that I needed help and hopefully this would be the start of me getting better.