Expecting the unexpected

If you’ve read my previous blog posts you’ll know that I’m not a fan of change or the unknown. I know lots of people can find that a little unsettling but for me any kind of change can leave me feeling full of anxiety. This isn’t something new though, I’ve always found comfort from being in control.

After a year of being in lockdown, I have so little confidence. I used to regularly travel on the train before I had Little A and not once was I ever nervous about it. Now the idea of getting on a train fills me with dread. Even if the destination is somewhere familiar I still cannot shake the feeling of fear. Eventually I want to get back to feeling comfortable using public transport; so many places will open up to me again and I can visit my Mum and Dad. It’s just going to take time.

When I had my first round of therapy in January last year, my Therapist tried her hardest to pinpoint what it was exactly that was causing my depression and anxiety. I told her how much I hated change and how I only felt confident in anything when I was fully in control. I explained that I had spent a whole year leading up to our Wedding on a massive weight loss mission and successfully lost 4 stone. We then had our dream Wedding Day and Honeymoon in the States. I was then so lucky to get pregnant straight away and 9 months later became a Mum. She picked up on the fact that for someone who doesn’t enjoy change, that’s a lot of change in a really short space of time. The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) I developed after the birth was partly to do with the fact that I felt completely traumatised by the whole event but also that it was the complete opposite of what I had planned for.

I’m a planner and I’m organised. I spent hours during my pregnancy googling everything and I read every book I could get my hands on. I couldn’t have been more prepared for pregnancy yet I had absolutely no control over what sort of birth I would have. I was very clear in my Birth Plan that I wanted just gas and air; no epidural. I wanted a water birth. I didn’t want a C-Section or any use of instruments to deliver the baby and I didn’t want an episiotomy. Everything I was adamant I didn’t want I ended up getting and I don’t think my brain could fully deal with everything that had happened. Giving birth you are fully at the mercy of the midwives but more importantly your body. I had no control over any of it and I hated that. Add in a tiny baby who screamed all day and all night, suffered badly with colic and reflux and who rarely slept, it was a disaster waiting to happen.

I’ve also noticed that because of the Postnatal Depression my moods are so up and down. I have good days and then bad days and I can never predict how I’ll feel when I wake up. I can be having a really good day and something small will happen and I write the whole day off. It’s something that I’m working on with my current Therapist.

Something happened recently which completely blindsided us on a very normal Tuesday afternoon. I cannot deal with the unknown and I certainly cannot deal with things that you could never possibly plan for. Things that you would never expect. Mr N needed me to be strong for him and whilst he told me how amazing I’d been I still felt like I could have done more. I haven’t felt particularly strong lately and there have definitely been more bad days than good and when I’m in a slump like that it’s hard enough to keep my own head above the water without having to hold someone else up too. Thankfully Mr N is one of the strongest people I know and he was okay but I hated that I couldn’t be stronger.

I found my daily calls to my Mum really helped me deal with how I was feeling as I had someone to vent to. It meant that I could throw all of my worries and concern at her rather than tell Mr N when he had enough on his plate. When I think back to how I used to be before I had a baby, I always prided myself on being a really supportive person. Getting my friend through a break up or being a shoulder to cry on. The illness has meant that I get completely wrapped up in myself and I feel like I let people down. I hate that so much. I want to be more present in the lives of my friends and family and I know that one day I will be but for now perhaps instead of fighting my mind I need to just roll with it.

Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball and could look into the future to see what was ahead. I could prepare myself for what was to come. For many people the unpredictability of life is what makes it so amazing. For me currently it’s the thing that causes a lot of my anxieties. Is it ever really possible to expect the unexpected?

My current Therapy is going really well and I know it’s helping but I’m hoping that as more restrictions are lifted I won’t be so reliant on it. She’s really trying to work on my anxiety and low mood and I’m learning how to control and respond to the negative thoughts that I suffer with daily. I don’t think I’ll ever be someone who actively pursues change. That’s just the way I am but I’m hoping that eventually I can get to a place where I don’t let my anxieties rule what I do.