Don't Give Up

TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of Suicide

Suicide. Something that is unfortunately so common yet rarely talked about. A person feeling that they have no way out; that they have no other option but to take their own life. Anyone can find themselves in this position but it is something more widely associated with mental illness.

In 2017, one in nine maternal deaths in the UK was as a result of suicide. It is the leading cause of death of mothers in the first year after their child is born. What a terrifying statistic. That these mothers felt they had no other choice but to leave the World and their new baby.

There is so much care in the antenatal period. The 9 months of pregnancy is full of midwife appointments, scans, blood tests. Any problems that arise both physical and mental are likely to be picked up. Then you have the baby and suddenly the care and support stops abruptly. You have a few meet ups with a Midwife following the birth as well as your Health Visitor and a supposed 8 week postnatal check with the GP but that is it. Baby Blues is common in a lot of new Mums but often by the time symptoms of Postnatal Depression or any other perinatal mental illness are visible, these appointments have already come and gone. Some new parents are very lucky with both their Health Visitor and GP and signs will be spotted and support put in place but unfortunately for a lot of people, me included, you are forgotten. Just another parent that’s had a baby complaining of being tired.

My first meeting with my Health Visitor was a few weeks after I’d had Little A. I had to chase this up as according to them “we’d slipped through the net and hadn’t been picked up”. Not the best of starts. I had my Mum with me that day so I had some help with Little A and could speak without worrying about the baby. I cried a lot during that one hour appointment. My Mum explained to her that she herself had suffered with PND after having me and that she was worrying I was struggling too. I was given a leaflet describing the differences between the Baby Blues and Postnatal Depression and that was it. Me and Mr N met with her again when Little A was around a month old. She asked how I was and I told her I was fine (I got good at lying) and instead of digging deeper she didn’t question any further. Little A is now 17 months and I haven’t heard from her since. Not even after I was diagnosed with PND and the GP chased her twice. Shocking.

Thankfully, I have an amazing support network in friends and family but many other new parents are not that lucky. Eventually I confided in my Mum that I was struggling and needed help and that put into motion an act of bravery which resulted in me booking an appointment with my GP. It shouldn’t have come to that though. I should have been supported especially as I was clearly showing early warning signs.

At my postnatal check-up the GP should have focused a little more on me and how I was coping rather than dismissing us for feeling tired. The care given during pregnancy is necessary but so is postnatal care and this is severely lacking. So many people struggle after having a baby; both Mums and Dads. They struggle with a range of mental illnesses; Depression, Anxiety, Rage, OCD, PTSD, Psychosis. At a time when you are fragile and tired and in need of looking after, support should be available for you. New parents need to have a place where they can talk freely and honestly without judgement.

Unfortunately, the failures in the system and the stigma associated with mental illness can lead to new parents feeling as though they have no way out. The birth of a baby brings with it the birth of a Mum and Dad who have no prior training and with the absence of an instruction manual. I know from my own experience how awful I felt for feeling the way I did and what a monster I believed I had become. Failure for not being the Mother I expected to be and guilt for not cherishing the new baby I had desperately wanted. I honestly felt as though I had gone crazy. It is so much easier to pretend that everything is great. The other option is to be honest and there lies judgement and a lack of understanding. I kept my act up for ten long weeks until I couldn’t do it any longer and I told the one person I knew would never judge me; my Mum.

There have been some unbelievably tough days in the 17 months since becoming Little A’s Mum. There have been a couple of days and moments in particular when I have desperately wished I could get rid of the pain and the torment. Rid myself of the feelings of failure and worthlessness and have seriously considered whether I should take my own life. I have never done anything to actually act on it but I have definitely experienced suicidal thoughts which now I know is very common with PND. I have Mr N who I can talk to when moments like that come and I could never leave Little A without a Mummy but in the moment I can see how it can happen. So many people will be so consumed by the illness that they can see no way back.

It saddens me that parents are often left to struggle through on their own especially during times like this; during a pandemic. My hope for the future is that there will be more information given during the antenatal period so both parents can be prepared. As simple as a leaflet in your pregnancy folder that you can read through describing the different maternal mental illnesses and the signs and symptoms to look for. Details of support services that are available; helplines, charities and also who to contact if you are worried that you or your partner are struggling. I probably read all the pregnancy books ever written but nothing can prepare you for becoming a parent. If Mr N had known what to look for perhaps he would have seen through my act a lot sooner. I could have got help a lot sooner.

By putting support networks in place, my hope is that no parent ever feels alone enough to think that their only choice is suicide.