Consumed with Anxiety

I’ve always been a worrier. Ever since I was little. That’s a very common personality trait. I always assumed, obviously naively, that anxiety was just a fancy word for worry. When people used to refer to themselves as anxious I believed they were the same as me. Anxiety and worry couldn’t be any more different.

I knew of Postnatal Depression after years of hearing about my Mums battle with it but Postnatal Anxiety was something I had never heard of. After having my initial telephone discussion with a therapist whose job it was to score the severity of my mental illness, she advised that whilst I scored highly for Depression, I scored even higher for Anxiety. That telephone call left me with lots of unanswered questions. Thankfully Google and the NHS website were very helpful and got things a bit straighter in my head.

I found out from my research that Postnatal Anxiety is so much more than just feeling worried. For me, the anxiety caused lots of obsessive behaviours. I would stare at the baby monitor during the night checking to see whether Little A was breathing and would work myself up if I couldn’t see any evidence of this which would cause me to venture quietly into his bedroom to get the confirmation I needed that he was alive. I would do this constantly throughout the night which obviously meant I wasn’t sleeping and would struggle in the day. I would obsess over everything that Little A was doing; he went through a phase of constantly flapping his arms and legs which none of the other babies were doing. I would spend hours googling trying to diagnose him. I would obsess over what Little A’s baby friends were doing and why Little A wasn’t doing them. I would constantly worry about his development and whether or not he was meeting the necessary milestones.

In addition to the obsessive behaviour, the anxiety has made me unbelievably strict and rigid with sleep/naptimes as well as meal times. Pre Covid when we were actually able to meet people, I used to get myself worked up when arranging things. If the NCT group agreed a time, it might not have always fit in with Little A’s nap and so I would spend the days leading up to the meet up in a bit of a state. Worried about how he might be if he hasn’t napped. Little A has never been a baby who is happy to sleep anywhere. Being placed in his cot in his bedroom or pushed around in a pram but he would never just fall asleep on his own which always made it difficult if we were meeting for a coffee around his nap time. In some ways, lockdown has been good for me. It has been unbelievably tough and I have desperately missed seeing people but at least I haven’t had to worry about making plans. My routine with Little A has been the same everyday which has kept my anxiety around nap times and feeds at bay.

I only went to a few baby classes in the early days after having Little A but I found them too difficult so immediately stopped. Any kind of baby class would be severely anxiety inducing and would fill me with dread. Not even the fact that I might have been meeting some friends and their babies would help ease my nerves. I would consume myself with the thought that Little A would almost certainly scream and kick off and I wouldn’t know how to deal with him. I’d be judged by all the other Mums there whose babies were content and happy. I’d be judged for not being able to control my own baby. I decided that as much as I worried Little A was missing out for not going to any classes, it was better for me and my mental state to avoid them. Removing anything that would cause anxiety can only be a good thing.

I’m a perfectionist and always have been which means I like everything to look a certain way or be done a certain way. I’m a bit of a control freak too so it’s hard to give up control to someone else. It’s as if no one can do it properly other than me. This isn’t just about Little A either; I’m the same about everything even the cleaning of the bathroom or the hoovering.

That makes it harder to intrust someone with my precious Little A. They won’t be able to do everything the way I do it and his routine will fall apart. The thought of leaving Little A with other people once Covid has moved on leaves me short of breath and fills me with a huge amount of anxiety. It’ll be lovely to have some time with Mr N just us; we can plan some date days or date nights but it is something that I will need to build up slowly. Leaving him with his grandparents for a short amount of time to start with and then gradually build it up.

Thankfully I’m very much in tune with my anxiety now and I know what sorts of things cause it to rise so I’ll have to go at my own pace. Someone with anxiety cannot be rushed to do something that causes so much panic.

When things start going back to normal, I know initially I will probably find it quite difficult. It was the same when the first lockdown was eased; I felt so pressured by people to suddenly jump back into normal life when I really wasn’t ready. Very slowly I’d like to start seeing people again; meeting my friends in the evening and going for lunch with my Mum and Dad. Anxiety can be cruel and strike on the most average of days when the plans are not even something I would consider anxiety inducing but often there is no warning. A horrible sicky feeling in the pit of my stomach and it literally feels as though my whole entire body is consumed with fear. In the midst of something like that it is unbearable to even think about getting dressed let alone going out and meeting people. I’ve always been a reliable person and when I say I’m going to do something I will do it but since having Little A and battling severe anxiety, I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up. I’ve had to cancel plans and I always feel terrible for doing it. I hate cancelling on people and I always feel terribly guilty but it is absolutely nothing personal against the person I’m meeting and the best way to deal with me in that situation is to be supportive. Making me defend or justify why I’m feeling the way I am will only make me feel worse.

I wanted to write a post about anxiety as it has become such a huge part of my life since having Little A. Just by raising a little awareness I hope it will help people understand how all-consuming the anxiety can be and how damaging it can be to someone’s confidence.