Am I ready for the new Normal?

I write this as the restrictions placed upon us as a result of Covid-19 are beginning to be lifted and the lockdown is eased.

I feel like I’m in a very strange position right now. Whilst I am over the moon that some kind of normality has returned; our local town centre seems to have sprung back into life, I don’t feel like I’m fully ready to throw myself back into life as it was before.

The anxiety I feel has never been higher since Covid-19 became a part of our lives. During lockdown I felt anxious because I was worried about leaving the house and catching the virus but at least I knew how every day was going to go. I would take Little A for a walk in the morning and we would play together all afternoon. There was no pressure on me to meet people when I wasn’t feeling up to it or sit in a restaurant constantly worried that Little A might have a tantrum. It feels as though everyone around me is ready to go back to normal or at least the new normal but what happens when you aren’t quite there yet?

The thought of venturing out onto public transport fills me with terror and the confidence that I spent time building after my counselling is no longer there. I feel like such a disappointment to Little A; this should be the time that I take him out and expose him to different adventures but I am also acutely aware that the virus is still around and the thought of us catching it makes me want to stay at home forever.

People are going to start expecting me to return to normal just like everyone else and I feel a bit like I did at the beginning of my journey with PND; it’s hard admitting that I’m comfortable in my own little bubble and I need time. I fear that I may have to start making excuses for not being up to doing stuff because people won’t understand. I wish more than anything that Covid hadn’t of happened.. all the progress I made after my Counselling has been wiped away and I am basically right where I started.

Mr N took some annual leave and we spent last week chilling at the beach and shopping at the outlets. The last time we did anything particularly memorable was pre-lockdown when Little A was still really small and didn’t require as much attention. He is no longer used to the long car journeys so the trips to and from the beach were long and tiring trying to keep Little A calm. I now need to think of lunch for Little A as well as packing bottles and plenty of toys to keep him entertained. It was lovely to have Mr N with us and not working but it was a very exhausting week.

I know I need to be patient with myself and remember that I won’t be the only person suffering with anxiety about returning to normal but I really don’t want this virus to hold me back any longer. Hopefully as time moves on and things slowly feel more normal, I might start to regain the confidence I lost.