Accepting my Mum Tum

When I was pregnant everyone said they could tell I was carrying a boy as I was all bump. I was lucky enough not to put any weight on any other part of my body and this would explain why people would often knock into me from behind not knowing I was pregnant.

I put on just over 3 stone while I was pregnant. I barely ate anything for the first 4-5 months due to awful morning sickness and I think as soon as I was able to eat again I piled on the pounds. I was also very swollen; my poor legs and feet were huge. The fact that I was pregnant during a very hot Summer didn’t help matters. You would never have known to look at me that I’d put on as much weight as I had and so I assumed that once Little A was here it wouldn’t be too difficult to shift. I was very wrong.

I craved wine whilst I was pregnant and so made up for it once I’d given birth. I enjoyed everything that I had to avoid previously; wine, gin, pate and brie. I especially missed brie. I gave birth in early September and I gave myself till Christmas to make up for lost time and to just focus on being a Mummy before I cracked on with the weight loss in the New Year. Little did I know at that point that I would have to battle Postnatal Depression or that Covid-19 would wreak havoc on our lives.

I’m a major comfort eater. Whilst some people lose their appetite when they’re stressed, I eat the unhealthiest of foods and it makes me feel better. It was also very hard in those early days; we lived on very little food as it was impossible to juggle everything and when we did eat it would be junk probably a McDonalds or some other kind of takeaway. At the lowest point in the early days of my diagnosis and before I had my counselling, I was also drinking an awful lot. I told myself it was just a few glasses of wine a night to chill out after a hard day but I was doing that every day and I could easily down a bottle in an evening. Once I’d had my Counselling I realised that it was a crutch that I didn’t really need. It didn’t help me. I decided to save the drinking till the weekend and it gave me something to look forward to.

I was amazed at how my body looked after I gave birth. I was amazed at how pregnant I still looked even though I was no longer carrying Little A. I was bruised up and down my back from the epidural and my boobs were huge. I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I worked so hard in the year leading up to our wedding to lose weight; I lost 4 stone in total but I hadn’t had time to really enjoy being slim again as I basically got pregnant straight away. I wasn’t a fan of watching my body change in pregnancy and I think it was partly for that reason. Even though I knew I was getting bigger because I was carrying a baby, all I could see was myself getting fat. It was the same after I had Little A. I was in no way expecting my body to jump back to its pre-baby self overnight but I wasn’t prepared for how wobbly and loose the skin would be.

My Therapist tried to turn my thoughts on their head and get me to appreciate what my body had done for me. What an ordeal my body had gone through to give us Little A and that really did help but I still couldn’t shift the thoughts that I was fat and it didn’t change what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I had plans to lose the weight by walking everywhere with Little A once the Summer came round. I was prepared for long walks to burn off all the fat and I knew it would take time but I was excited to get started. Covid-19 completely blew those ideas apart. In the very early days of lockdown, I was too anxious to even leave the house let alone exercise. I was fearful of the virus and was scared that me and Little A would catch it so it was safer for us to stay indoors. Once I did feel ok to leave the house, I was always very aware that we were only allowed out of the house once and so I took to walking around our local park. It was good for both of us to get out and get some fresh air but it wasn’t the exercise I was expecting to do. We were all miserable in lockdown too; Mr N was working from home and was stressed and me and Little A were bored and so I found myself slipping into my old ways; drinking most nights and living on takeaways and junk food. It was only when I stepped on the scales one morning and saw a weight that made me want to cry I knew I had to do something about it.

We started planning our meals and I was trying to make healthier choices. I gave up drinking in the week again knowing it wasn’t helping me but the weight has stayed where it is. When I was losing weight for our Wedding, I was going to the gym 3-4 times a week and I think my body really needs the boost from working out.

It’s been hard now its Summer because its hot and so much of your body has to be on show. I cannot hide in my leggings or under baggy jumpers and I feel unbelievably self-conscious. I hate being the weight that I am and I hate looking the way I do. Mr N tells me I’m beautiful all the time and that he loves me the way I am and I’m so thankful for that but it doesn’t change the way I see myself. My Mum tells me that I’m not fat I’ve had a baby and that is probably what I need to get my head around.

I have just signed up to our local gym again and am hoping to make the most of Mr N working from home for a few more months to try and shift some pounds. My goal of losing a load of weight by the time Little A turns one has failed completely as that’s nearly upon us but I also think I need to give myself a break. Its been a hard 11 months and whilst I would love to have lost all my baby weight by now, I cannot beat myself up for the circumstances we’ve found ourselves in.

I wish I could be one of those Mums who embraces her lumps and bumps and is proud of her ‘Mum Tum’ and maybe one day I will be but for now, I know I need to lose my baby weight to feel confident in my own skin again.