365 days of being your Mummy

Saturday 5 September 2020.. Happy 1st Birthday Little A.

I cannot believe that I’ve been your Mummy for one whole year.

The first 365 days of your life have been memorable to say the least. I wish more than anything that I could go back and re-do our first year together without the burden of Postnatal Depression and Anxiety; the burden of my Black Balloon. I’d soak up your new baby smell and your teeny fingers and toes. I’d enjoy every sleepy cuddle and not complain that I was unable to get anything done. I’d be more patient and not yell at you for crying for the millionth time in the night. However, as much as I wish I could go back and erase the tough moments and the tears, now you are a year old and I slowly begin to recover, I can appreciate you so much more.

It has been wonderful watching you change from a teeny little person into a happy, funny and smiley little boy. You make me laugh out loud and I love hearing you chatter at everyone. We’ve come to realise that you take your time with absolutely everything.. you won’t be rushed; so much like your Daddy. You’re silly like me and I can think of nothing better than rolling around on the floor laughing with you.

I always knew that first Birthdays were a big deal but now I’m a Mummy with my own one year old and after everything I’ve been through, it means so much more. Your Birthday marks a new chapter for me and you; you are no longer a baby who cries all the time but a little boy who is inquisitive and playful. I am no longer a new Mum who is completely clueless; I know what you do and don’t like and we learn new things together.

This year has been full of learning not just for you but for me too. When you were born I was born too; you made me a Mummy. I never had to worry about someone else in every decision that I made. I never had to put someone else first in absolutely everything and I have never struggled as much as I have done in the last 12 months.

I had hoped that by the time we reached this milestone I would have said goodbye to my Black Balloon. I was in no way expecting to be fully recovered; I know it could take a long time but after my Counselling I was so confident that I could beat this. Covid-19 has made me feel as though I’ve gone backwards in my recovery but I am determined to get back on track. You are my motivation. I want to make you proud.

The theme of your Nursery is Winnie the Pooh and before I gave birth you were given a set by one of my friends which included a Tigger rattle. This has since become your absolute favourite toy. When I was thinking of a theme for your first Birthday, it couldn’t have been anything but Tigger. Orange and black balloons and banners cover our house, I’ve made you a Tigger cake and we’ve even bought you your own big cuddly Tigger bear.

We had planned to have a big party to celebrate this wonderful milestone but unfortunately Covid-19 put a stop to that. Me and your Daddy got engaged at Pooh Corner, the place where Winnie the Pooh and Tigger were born so for your Birthday we will be taking you there for some tea and teddy bear toast.

Happy Birthday gorgeous boy. I hope you have the best day ever.

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy.