2020.. an unforgettable year

31 December 2020.. the end of a year that no one will ever forget. A year that I'm sure no one will be sad to see the back of.

New Year’s Eve last year I had recently been diagnosed with Postnatal Depression and Anxiety and I'd had my second Counselling session that day. I was already feeling better for having spoken to my Therapist and was feeling positive for the year ahead. 2020 was the year I was going to untie myself from my Black Balloon.

No one could have seen the devastation that was coming. Covid has completely dominated this whole year and it looks as though there is no end to it all just yet. We should be seeing in the new year with excitement and hope for the months ahead but the new year only symbolises more hardships.

As with all my other posts, I will be completely honest in this one but I always like to make sure there is a balance between the good and the bad. I decided that instead of this being a post about everything awful that’s happened this year, it would also be a post full of the positives that have come out of it too.

Negatives

· I started off 2020 feeling so positive. I finished my CBT back in January. I was leaving Little A with Mr N every now and then for an hour when I would go and get a coffee and have some much needed alone time. I could finally see the light at the end of a very dark time in my life but this was completely put on hold once Covid arrived

· I was always so anxious about baby classes for fear that Little A would kick off and I wouldn’t know what to do and after my therapy I finally plucked up the courage to go to one but once Covid hit these were all cancelled. The only ones available are either expensive or booked up way in advance

· Little A was only 6 months old when we went into the first lockdown back in March. He was completely dependent on us and was a lot of work especially in the early days of lockdown. I was dealing with my mental health and trying to keep myself going each day whilst bringing up a baby mostly on my own as Mr N worked throughout lockdown. All this without the support of my family. Little A is now almost 16 months old so has spent most of his life in lockdown. Since March we have weaned Little A, he learnt to sit up unaided, he learnt to roll then crawl and now he’s walking. His mental development has come on leaps and bounds too and he is such a smart little boy. Our families have missed out on watching Little A grow in person, instead we have had to rely on videos, photos and Facetimes which are definitely not the same

· Little A doesn’t go to Nursery so when our local Soft Play was open I tried to take him as much as I could. I was also meeting up with my Mummy friends for playdates and walks which was wonderful for Little A and also me. The ongoing lockdowns and tight restrictions mean that all of the social interactions we were used to having cannot happen and I worry this will be detrimental for Little A and his social skills. He has basically spent most of 2020 with just me and Mr N and after being so good when he was younger at being with other people now he just gets upset. Some people take it very personally but it has nothing to do with the individual. Little A has grown up in lockdown and is not used to seeing others. It is definitely something that we want to work on in 2021 once Covid has left us

· Mr N has been working from home since March with no signs of him going back to the office any time soon. It is not normal for couples to spend 24 hours a day with each other. Having a baby is testing on a relationship. Struggling with mental illness is testing on a relationship. A deadly pandemic is testing on a relationship. Add all of these together and you get an awful combination. Thankfully Mr N is amazing and has been unbelievably supportive but it has definitely been hard on us. We haven’t spent much time with others due to being in lockdown most of the year and when I’m having a bad day he gets the brunt of it. Parenting is relentless and neither of us really gets a break

· Self-care is something that is severely lacking once you have a baby but it is so important. Self-care for me is having some alone time. Going for a walk on my own, being able to drink a hot cup of coffee whilst Little A either naps or is being entertained by someone else. Meeting my friends for dinner or a few drinks helps me lock into the old me. Much of this cannot happen thanks to the virus and has definitely put me and my recovery back

Positives

· Whilst my recovery has been very up and down this year and I may not be where I wanted to be, it has not stopped completely and is definitely ongoing which is something to be proud of

· I’m hopeful that 2021 will bring back the return of toddler classes and I will be in such a better place that I won’t let the anxiety stop me from going.

· I have been so lucky to have been around to watch Little A grow and develop. We started 2020 with an almost 4 month old baby and he is now a cheeky, clever and funny little boy. Mr N has also been home to witness all of the firsts too which he might have missed working up in London. We have spent lots of time as a family and that can never be replaced

· Early in the year I felt no real connection to Little A and wondered if I would ever bond with him. Whether I would ever truly love him like I should and it has been amazing to see that bond develop over the year. I have never loved anyone like I do Little A. The fog has lifted enough recently where I can even see how much he loves me. I used to look at Little A and feel nothing and I believed that it was also the same for him. I now know that really isn’t true.

· I often feel like I’m failing and letting everyone down but as the year has progressed, I feel so much more confident in my abilities as a Mother. I know what Little A does and doesn’t like and he’s very good at reading me too

· I found it very hard to accept my new identity and my new role as Mummy but the acceptance has finally come. I no longer wish for my old life. I no longer wish to go back in time. I’m happy where I am right now.

· I was introduced to #PNDHour on Twitter and the wonderful Rosey who runs this every Wednesday evening. I was introduced to a world of wonderfully strong men and women who have suffered just like me. I instantly felt less alone and it has been truly life changing having other people to talk to who have been where I’ve beE

· I have found out who my circle are. I have realised who I can truly rely on. I am going into the New Year knowing who to make the effort with and who not to worry about

· I love Mr N even more than I did a year ago which I didn’t think was possible. He has been my pillar of strength throughout everything. He’s kept me standing, he’s dried my tears, he’s told me over and over again what a good Mummy I am even when I didn’t believe him. This year has tested us more than any marriage should be tested but we're strong and we’re still standing. PND tried to take everything I hold dear but it has not succeeded

That’s all my positives and negatives but my biggest achievement this year has been survival. Many times this year life has felt unbelievably tough and I have seriously considered whether or not I could carry on. Whether it would just be easier to end it all. The early days of my battle I felt like I was failing at everything and letting everyone down. I honestly believed that Mr N and Little A would be better off without me. I wasn’t the fun, bubbly woman that Mr N fell in love with and Little A needed a Mummy who didn’t shout and scream and cry all the time. They both deserved so much more but each time I felt like this I found strength from somewhere and kept going. Something deep down told me I needed to hang on. I couldn’t be more proud of myself for getting through the year and being here this New Years Eve.

Thank you to each and every one of you for following my journey. Your support means so much.

Happy New Year. Let’s hope 2021 brings back some normality for us all. I wish you lots of love and happy thoughts for the year ahead.